


Lost fragments from the past, the future and the world in-between

by FanFicReader01



Series: The Playground [2]
Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: ALL THE FLUFF, Afterlife, Death, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Feels, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm an evil fuck, M/M, all aboard on the second feel trip yall, all the death, and all the reunions, guess who wants to suffer some more, just when you thought the feels ended they return!, right here!, this fic is becoming longer than intended lmao, where do i draw the line, yes thatd be me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:33:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicReader01/pseuds/FanFicReader01
Summary: forgive me (i'll have to say this every chapter xD)





	1. Dream of a Man gone blind

Before me stands Jani. There are tears in his eyes as well. He closes our distance. His warm hands are on my face. Then there are two kisses on my cheeks and then one soft kiss on my lips.

I’m going to miss his face. I’m going to miss all of their appearances. So today, I make sure I’ll have them imprinted into my mind forever.

 

I’ll remember Marko’s heart shaped mouth and how it forms that little heart whenever he’s surprised.

I’ll remember the faces Jani makes when he’s onstage. The way he teasingly and jokingly sticks out his tongue every now and then. How his brows furrow. I’ll miss his toothy grins.

I’ll remember Olli’s concentrated face. How it almost looks stoic. But whenever we exchange looks, he smiles at me and his focused expression fades away.

I’ll remember Jaska and his wonderful tattoos. I’ll remember how the tattoos slightly shift when he moves his arms. I’ll miss observing the art on the man’s arms and how I can see his muscles flex underneath all that ink. So beautiful.

And last, but not least I’ll remember Markus epic look with his sunglasses. I also remember those lovely eyes behind the mysterious glasses. His dark, brown eyes that seem to hold all the wisdom of this world.

 

When I cannot sleep the night before the surgery, they all embrace me. One big hug before my world turns dark forever. I’m afraid. I don’t want to be blind.

 

\--

 

Although my world is now in utter darkness, I can still _feel_ them. I can still _hear_ them. As long as I know they’re by my side, everything is okay. I can take it.

Jaska is usually the one to read stuff out loud for me. I love his voice even more now.

Most of the time Olli or Markus walk next to me, giving me support even though I have a white cane to help me navigate around the world.

Whenever I need a silly description of an object, I go to Jani. The bassist has a great fantasy which allows him to come up with the weirdest descriptions for the most mundane objects.

In the beginning, I was sometimes freaking out because the world felt like it was spinning around. But Marko’s soothing voice brought me back on my feet again.

 

\--

During the afternoon Jani and I are playing a silly guessing game. Jaska is sitting on the couch with Kapu and Olli. They are enjoying some movie together while Marko is sitting in his wheelchair next to them. He is knitting scarves for us all.

 ‘It’s your turn to think of a person’, Jani interrupts my thoughts. I nod and try to think of someone he cannot guess.

Jani’s fingers are drumming on the wooden table and then I suddenly feel nauseous. I hear the bassist’s concerned voice. ‘Jari! Are you okay? You suddenly went pale!’

 ‘I, I’m fine’, I manage to say but I almost fall off my chair and grasp onto the table corner.

I hear Jani jump from his chair to help me. I feel dizzy.

 ‘You should take a rest. Shall I bring you to your bed?’, he asks.

‘Please, bring me to my room’, I whisper. I could also lie on the mattresses in the living room: the place where we all sleep together now that Marko is unable to walk. Yet I want to lay alone now.

 ‘What are you doing?’, Jaska’s voice is heard. He must’ve noticed Jani carrying me in his arms towards the staircase.

 ‘He’s feeling a bit sick. Upstairs it’s more quiet’, Jani explains.

‘Should I help?’, Jaska suggests but Jani insists he can carry me himself. And so the bassist walks with slow steps to the second floor. Our rooms have become a place to retreat but not to really sleep.

 Jani softly places me into my bed and puts on my blanket.

I give him a smile and I _know_ Jani smiles back. He always does. ‘Should I give you something to drink?’ he asks me. I shake my head, it hurts slightly.

 ‘No, thank you’, I mutter.

Then Jani holds my hand. He slightly squeezes it. ‘Don’t you worry about me. I guess I’m getting the flu after all’, I manage to chuckle after I had to cough a few times.

 I close my eyes. My mouth feels dry.

‘You know what? You can actually bring me a drink now. I’m thirsty.’ I hear Jani shuffle a bit as he walks away. ‘Don’t fall asleep, okay?’, he says with a grin in his voice.

It makes me grin too. ‘Of course not, silly.’

While Jani’s footsteps are becoming more and more distant, so is my mind. The nausea has faded, but it leaves my chest aching. Like an annoying itch.

 

‘Jari? Jari! Oh my god, Jari!’, somewhere in the distance I hear the voice of my friend.

‘Jaska! Olli! Markus! Marko!’, he shouts the names of my other friends. I want to open my eyes and look Jani in his eyes and tell him everything is fine. But even if I were to open my eyes, I can’t see him anymore.

 ‘Jari, please, say something! Please, I beg you’, Jani’s tears are felt on my cheek.

I try to speak up but my words are blocked.

 ‘Gosh, don’t do this to me! I can’t handle it! Please, Jari… Jari!’, Jani is crying.

I hear the trampling sound of footsteps on the stairs. The voices are becoming indistinguishable.

 ‘Stay with us!’, a hand grasps onto mine.

I wonder whose hand it is.

 

_And then I wonder when my heart stopped beating._


	2. Dream of A frightened man

Death has never crossed my mind until recently. With recently I actually mean one and a half year ago. Back when Jari died in front of my very eyes.

It has made me aware of the fact that death can be around _every_ corner. Maybe I’m just getting old and senile and paranoia, but I’m really scared to die.

Before his death, I didn’t think about any of us dying. I thought we _couldn’t_ die. Of course, that’s a blatant lie. Back then, I was just protecting myself from the reality. And now that reality has seeped into _our_ little world.

 

\--

 

Sometimes I have nightmares. One moment I’m with my friends, enjoying domestic stuff. The next moment I’m thrown into a living hell where all of my friends have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but they’ve changed into grinning demons with sharp teeth. They point and laugh at me.

 ‘Silly Jani, can’t you see? Everyone eventually dies! Nothing you can do about it!’

In sweat I would wake up, only to find my friends lay next to me in the living room. Sometimes Markus wakes up too and rubs my back to calm me down. Sometimes it’s Olli who hushes me.

And sometimes I have to comfort Marko when he is silently crying. Crying when he thinks everyone is asleep. But lately, I don’t get much sleep.

 

One day my nightmares stop. I have dreamless nights again.

I’m just not so sure if I should be happy about it. Maybe it’s a sign.

 

The sign becomes clear to me.

I sense it in the air. Something big is going to happen. The whole day an eerie feeling haunts me. I don’t dare to ask the others if they feel it too.

Bedtime is early. We have all snuggled close together. Although we do this every night, I still love every moment we share together like this.

 ‘I love you all’, I suddenly state. I know saying this isn’t needed. They know. I know. So why do I say this now? Well, we often declare our love to each other at random times but now it is different somehow. I have yet to discover what that feeling is I’m having the whole day. A strange feeling like I’m getting stalked. I’m oblivious to the reason. And yet, I know, deep within, what it is. I know what’s coming and that is why I want them to know that I love them.

 ‘We know. We love you too, Jani’, their answer comes.

 

First I’m scared. So scared I can hardly breathe.

Then I become serene. Everything is going to be fine.

 

 _I know I’ll meet_ him _on the other side when I awake again._


	3. Dream of A restless man who's always in motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> forgive me (i'll have to say this every chapter xD)

I’m not sure where I am. The place doesn’t feel familiar to me. I haven’t seen it before. This building I am in, it looks like some kind of theatre. An old, abandoned theatre. There is still some light inside.

The lamps that are casting their lights on me are actually two silver moons, lighted by an even brighter sun.

How strange, I think. This all feels so surreal. Am I dreaming? I continue to take in my surroundings.

The podium I’m standing on is deserted just like the chairs of the audience. I decide to look for my friends. The doors are locked and if this were a real life situation, I should’ve freaked out by now. But I’m certain this isn’t a normal situation. I look at my own hands. They are ridiculously pale and almost translucent. I gasp. I wave my hands in front of my eyes.

 ‘Olli’, a distant voice is heard and I look up. On the balcony there are figures standing.

I know those shadows are my friends. I just _know_. I wave at them. They wave back. In the blink of an eye, they all sit on the first row of chairs, looking at me. My strange consciousness doesn’t question it.

 

‘You look so lovely in that moonlight’, Kapu remarks.

‘Your eyes are like the stars. Sparkling and twinkling like ever’, Jani says.

‘Now you’re standing center stage. Like you deserve’, Marko smiles.

‘Wish I could stand there with you, Olli’, Jaska sighs. His comment makes me alert of the situation again. This is a dream, after all.

 ‘What are you talking about? Can’t you just climb up onto the podium? Heck, there’s even a staircase over there’, I answer as I point at it. The guitarist stands up from his chair and walks over to the edge of the podium. His eyes look worried and thoughtful. I gulp.

 ‘I can’t, I’m sorry. You’re becoming unreachable’, the man says.

‘What do you mean?’, I ask, slightly frustrated. If this is _my_ dream then Jaska can sure as heck join me on this stupid podium. With that thought in mind I reach out for him, trying to grab him by his stretched out hand.

Shivers go down my spine as I see my own hand go _through_ him. I only grab the air and Jaska falls back. I too take a few steps back now. My hands are now invisible.

 ‘W- what’s happening?’, I exclaim. I start to feel dizzy.

‘I’m afraid you’re disappearing’, Marko states the obvious. I stammer and fall on my knees. Tears of despair start to form in my eyes.

 ‘No! No! No! Oh my god, this can’t be happening’, I actually shout.

My invisible hands rest against the cold wood. With a thud my head falls onto the floor as my hands now have “physically” disappeared as well.

 When I raise my head, my friends are gone. And if I don’t so something about it, I too will disappear.

\--

 

My heart is beating fast as I awaken from my restless dream. My whole body is still shivering.

I manage to turn my head sideways so I’m facing Marko. That wonderful guy. The man I started this journey with.

A weak hand is able to caress his soft cheek. ‘Marko’, I whisper.

 

Fuck, I really feel agitated. Like I want to go outside. Jump around on the stage. Use my rush of adrenaline. Play the guitar till she screams and cries. But since my fingers decided to tremble and never stop anymore, I can’t.

Although the pills help me control it a bit, it isn’t enough. Not for me.

It pains me so much. It’s like my breath is taken away from me.

  My mind still feels so youthful.  Even now I have that mental energy inside me. But I’m horrified to see it’s starting to drain.  Just like my physical health.

While my mind is saying yes, my body is _screaming_ no. A painful no.

I feel like I’m trapped inside my own body. A wreck of a body.

Oh, how I wish the others and I were still youthful and so _alive_. But everything has to come to an end, eventually. Not that I like this end, though. In fact, I hate it.

 

I ~~was~~ am someone who can’t sit still for a minute. I’m always in motion. Always changing. If my legs aren’t loosely dangling when sitting down, then it’s my fingers that drum on the surface of the table.

Most of the time I’m just running or jogging. And if I’m not doing any of those, I’m walking. I don’t like to stand still. It makes me restless. If I have to sit for too long, I’ll go crazy. I could jump out of my skin.    

 So I just get off of my chair then and walk around for a bit.

My fingers get easily restless too. They always need to do something. Even if it’s just fumbling with my own hands. Although I prefer the weight of my trustworthy Ibanez in my hands.

 

After all that pondering, I notice how my vision starts to get blurry. Is it because of my wet eyes?

Although Marko’s handsome face is fading away from my eyes, it isn’t disappearing in my mind. In fact, he is getting more and more clear in my mind. Just like the other guys are now projected on my mind.

I finally feel appease. No restless feelings anymore. My mind and body are finally calm. Somehow, it feels strange at first.

 

_And just like that, I fall. Gracefully. Like a leaf in the wind on the ocean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf am i doing


	4. Dream of A genial man

My eyes are focused on the ceiling. Silence. Only silence. Maybe there’s some kind of weird buzzing noise, but that is probably just in my head. Just like the fact of me getting my damn hearing back. It’s all in my mind. Carefully I turn my head and smile when I see a faint smile on the singer’s face.

Next to him lays Jaska. He has his arm wrapped over Marko’s chest. I brush my hand over Marko’s short hair.

 He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I wonder if he’s dreaming and _what_ he is dreaming about.

Maybe he is flying in his mind. Maybe he dreams about the others. I sigh. The others.

A tear rolls out of my eye as I think about them. We have lost so many friends already. First Jari, Jani followed not so late after and then our dear Olli was gone too. Too soon, all of them.

I just see them slip away from us and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Why did it have to be like this?

 

Now I remember the state I’m in. Deaf forever. Luckily we don’t perform anymore. We’re too old for that now. Too old and too broken. My heart skips a beat.

Yet, I wish we could still do gigs, travel around the world and stuff. But everything is coming to an end. I _feel_ it.

 

My body is still recovering from the injuries. Although I can live normally ( _almost_ normally) again, it isn’t the same anymore. I’m just glad I don’t have to lay in a separate bed anymore and that I can join Marko and Jaska in _our_ bed again. It felt so cold and isolated when I wasn’t sleeping next to my dearest friends.

 

\--

 

In my dreams, I can hear the symphonies play. The symphonies of our hearts. The symphonies of our voices.

Each night, I can hear them. It’s so soothing. Like a small lullaby.

 

One day, the symphonies get louder and louder. It’s _deafening_. They aren’t symphonies anymore. Just a horrible noise. I awake in my own sweat. Jaska is standing next to me. He has a worried look on his face. He gestures in sign language.

  _Are you okay, Markus?_

_Yes. I just had a bad dream. Don’t worry about it._

I step out of our bed and join him and Marko in the kitchen for breakfast.

Everything is suspiciously silent. And I’m not talking about the fact that I’m deaf. No, the world seems frozen in time. Even Marko and Jaska don’t talk like they usually do.

I see things happen like everything’s in slow-motion. It makes me worried. Am I going insane? Is this silent world making me crazy? Am I finally getting tired of it?

Jaska, Marko and I go out for a walk in the park. Jaska and I switch from time to time to push Marko’s wheelchair. In the park, I finally get to rest. My thoughts are calm again. Everything is fine again.

People move around in normal speed again and I don’t feel like there’s a deadweight on my shoulders anymore.

 

When the night falls, we give each other a goodnight kiss like we always do. This little kissing ritual of ours. It goes way back to the old days when we were still innocent kids.

_My dream is soundless for the first time. The symphonies have stopped playing._


	5. Dream of A man who almost didn’t have anything to lose anymore

I’m slumped against the cushions. My hoodie pulled over my head so it hides my face. My hand reaches for the bottle. Again.

 _Please, don’t_.

A voice is heard. It can’t be Marko’s though. He’s at home. Probably sleeping already. He possibly doesn’t know I sneaked away in the middle of the night. And _if_ he noticed, he can’t drive here himself. Unless he would hire a taxi. Although nowadays I always play the taxi. It doesn’t bother me. Nor does it bother me that we don’t go outside as often.

  My lips wrap around the cold glass and with a gulp, I let the cool alcohol go down my throat. It slightly burns. And yet it doesn’t hurt as much as the loss of _them_. To be honest, the world can hurt me as much as it wants, it doesn’t reach me. The world cannot hurt me anymore...

  Well, maybe that’s a lie.

There’s only one thing that could hurt me now. And that is the cruel world taking Marko away from me. The only light in this darkness. The only person I love who’s is still alive.

  I take another sip from my beer.

With some effort I crawl back to my feet. I’m feeling wobbly already. I drag myself across the hallway.

My lazy hand trace over the wall. My hand stops every time I come across one of our framed photos.

There are too many of them here. Too many memories. I don’t know if I can take it.

In some rush of anger, I rip off one of the frames and throw it against the ground. Then another photo comes off. And another.

 Eventually all photos lay on the ground. Sharp splinters of glass cut my fingers. The glass has shattered into million pieces.

  Pieces that cannot be glued together anymore.

Just like my feelings. They are all over the place. Sometimes I forget who I am. Sometime Marko forgets who he is too. Then we get lost. At least we’re lost, together. Moments like that, make our home very silent.

 That silence, it’s deafening.

I wonder if Markus’ world was like that too before he...

 

Finally I fall on my knees. I stare at the cracked glass. My hands tremble. Blood drips onto the frame and the actual photograph. Only Marko’s face keeps unstained. I carefully take out the photo and look at it. Something that resembles a smile, forms on my lips. I fall back and sob.

Tears run down my cheeks. The water and the blood on it makes the photograph unclear and blurry. Yet I know everyone on that picture. I remember the day that photo was taken. We looked so happy there. We were so young.

 

My hand finds the bottle again. I drink.

 

I know it makes my brain rot if I do it a lot. But I’m old already. There’s no bright and youthful future ahead of me anymore. It all lays in the past now.

I know alcohol makes me forget. That’s exactly why I drink. To forget.

This tired guitarist doesn’t want to be reminded of the loss every day.

Because every time I walk around the house I see the empty space where they _could’ve_ been. Where they _should’ve_ been. But they aren’t.

 I can see them. Jari and Olli together on the couch. The two photographers playing chess at the table. Marko and I are cooking for the rest in the kitchen.

Sometimes I still feel that warmth. But when I open my eyes and my head gets clear again, there’s a chilly breeze sneaking up my neck and it wraps around my heart to stay there.

 

_I take another swig._

I don’t want to remember how I lost four already and how there’s a big chance I might lose the remaining love of my life.

 

_I drink._

I hate to see Marko sad and depressed. I hate it how I too feel that way. I hate it that I can’t help him.

It pains me to see the singer paralyzed, unable to walk. I can’t do anything about it.

_One more gulp._

I want to forget it all. I wished there were no voids in my heart that couldn’t be filled anymore.

How I wished we could’ve just died together, peacefully. But no. That didn’t happen.

 

My eyelids start to feel heavier and heavier. I can hardly keep my eyes open. Not that there’s much to see anyway.

My thoughts start to flow into each other. Strange visions, incomprehensible words form in my mind.

When I take in my surroundings, there are five empty bottles laying around.

 I wonder when I drank them?

My head hits the floor. I don’t feel it. A smile appears on my face. I’m really starting to forget. Just like I wanted. Just like it’s meant to be.

 

\--

 

_Please, don’t forget._

The same voice I heard earlier this night, snaps me out of my oblivion. I look up only to see nothing.

‘Why? Why would I want to be reminded of their deaths? I don’t want to feel anything!’, I shout at the emptiness.

 

I _try_ my best to forget everything.

I forget about the band.

I forget about Markus. He was never deaf. Who is that guy anyway?

I forget about Jani. He was never a bassist. Just a random architect I didn’t knew about.

I forget about Jari. He was never blind. That just didn’t happen. He wasn’t a lover.

I forget about Olli. Just like the rest, he never died. Heck, he never existed.

I forget about-

 

Marko.

 

He’s the reason I still go on today. He’s the very reason I’m still alive.

Why did I drink again. Ah, yes, to forget. But how could I forget about them? How could I ever forget about Marko? He has gone through all of it just like me. He has felt the pain too. Damn, he even “lost” his legs.

I should be there for him now. I should support him. I shouldn’t deny him. How could I even possibly think about drinking myself into oblivion if Marko is still here?! He’s still here and real.

I could slap myself across the face for even thinking such things.

 

_But sometimes, regret isn’t enough to change the things you’ve done. Sometimes I’m just too late to say sorry._


	6. Lost fragments of a keyboardist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to cheer up after all that sadness :D

Marko and I went way back. I still remember the day I first met him. He was that new kid.

The Saaresto’s moved in to the “special” house. The house that stood out from the rest of the neighborhood. It was much bigger than the other houses and it was also separated from the rest.

Plus the house had a beautiful garden that reached very far.

 

I had seen Marko in the bus he came with. I was too shy to actually meet him. My parents, like they always greeted newcomers, baked them a cake and visited the Saaresto’s after their arrival. I was too nervous so I stayed at home. Even when Marko went to the same school as me, I didn’t dare to introduce myself to him.

 

After a few weeks or months (I don’t remember exactly) the new kid visited my house, said he wanted me to show something. It was the playground.

 

I was surprised to find out my new neighbor had almost the same name as me.

He had fluffy blond hair and a sunny smile plastered on his round face. From the moment I saw him when I opened the door, I knew I wanted to become Marko’s friend.

 

I don’t know how to describe my relationship with Marko. We were friends from the very beginning and then we became more than just friends. It just happened. Like in the beginning we didn’t even realize it nor did we label ourselves as boyfriends. While some people frowned at our “relationship” as kids, we didn’t understand.

When I got older, I understood but I didn’t care. Marko followed my lead. I was too in love to care about the world around me.

 

**

 

Jani was a pleasant surprise to Marko and me. He added some spice to our chemistry. He stirred it up in the right ways. He was even more energetic than Marko. He always liked to do some real crazy stuff.

He wanted to become an architect, but eventually found his love for music too.

 

I remember one precious interaction with Jani when we were both still kids.

The holiday had come to an end and he and I were on the bus to the train station. Marko sadly enough couldn’t go with us. I don’t remember the exact reason.

We were sitting in the very back of the bus. Luckily enough it wasn’t that crowded at this time of the day. Jani asked if he could lean against me. Of course he could.

 ‘I don’t wanna go home already’, he mused.

‘Me neither. Wished you could stay here’, I mumbled. My head rested against his too now. Jani closed his tired eyes. After a while, I did the same.

 

We must’ve fallen asleep, because suddenly I woke up when the bus made an abrupt stop.

It startled my friend too. Slightly confused, he looked around only to find my eyes again.

That’s when I really fell for him the first time. His light eyes all in awe. His mouth slightly opened.

He looked so cute.

 ‘What’s up?’, I asked him.

The guy shook his head, blushing a little. ‘Nothing. I’m just amazed by you. You’re so cool.’

I gathered all my courage to kiss him. Which seemed to be minutes, were actually just three seconds or so. Jani seemed surprised when I kissed him on the lips.

 ‘You like me?’, he asked flabbergasted.

I nodded. ‘Just like I love Marko, I guess.’

‘Isn’t that weird? To love more people at once?’, Jani snorted. I shrugged my shoulders.

‘Marko told me it’s possible. So here I am. Loving you too, Jani’, I said. My eyes quickly looking at something else that wasn’t Jani’s face.

 ‘Then I can honestly tell you that I love you too’, Jani pressed a quick kiss on the cheek before standing up from his seat.

We were at the train station. Time to say goodbye.

 

**

 

When I think about Olli, I think about boats and ships. Maybe it had to do with the fact he came into our lives by boat. Maybe it had to do with the fact that when we grew older, Olli owned an actual boat. I remember when he took me with him to that boat. When he had just bought it.

 

‘This here, is my baby’, Olli patted the boat with proud. His whole face was shining.

It made me smile too. We then went inside. The place was a little cramped.

 ‘Too bad the others couldn’t join us today’, Olli stated.

‘Yes. Oh well, they’ll see it eventually’, I replied, taking in the view. Although the place was small, it was cozy as well. It reminded me a bit of a caravan.

 ‘So, what do you think?’, Olli asked me. I scratched my head and huffed.

‘It’s nice. Small, but snugly. I like it. Although I wouldn’t spent a long time here? Especially not for travelling. I get seasick easily’, I answered honestly.

 Olli mumbled and said: ‘I understand. For me, it’s a way of freedom, I guess. Anyway, let’s go on deck to drink. I even brought some champagne.’

I went first and Olli followed with two glasses and a nice looking bottle.

 ‘When I was younger, I said to myself: “I’ll never buy a boat on my own.” But I guess I inherited a love for sailing from my parents after all’, the blond guitarist chuckled while pouring in the drink.

 ‘Cheers’, I said as I raised my glass. My friend did the same. ‘Here’s to us and the little band we created!’

The sun started to lower in the horizon. It gave a beautiful view from here, even though we were still at the docks. I could only imagine how it would be like if we were really at sea.

I think I finally understood why Olli liked to sail.

 ‘What a view’, I sighed.

The smaller man now looked at me and jokingly asked: ‘Are you talking about the scenery or me?’

I gave him a playful wink and replied: ‘Both. I should take a photograph of it.’

While I was looking in my bag for the camera, Olli walked over to the railing of the deck with the glass of champagne still in his hand. He had put on his sunglasses.

I picked up my camera and prepared myself to take a picture of the guitarist and the sweet scenery in the background. I grinned when Olli made that typical duckface.

 ‘You know I’m going to post this one online, y’know?’

‘I know. That’s why I’m looking like this’, he answered. I rolled my eyes behind the camera and took another picture. I could never have too much pictures of him and the others.

 

**

 

‘Oh gosh, Markus! Are you alright?’, Jaska was walking behind me when I sprained my ankle and almost collapsed because of it. Our barefoot hiking was going great until we reached that water part.

 ‘Yeah, just sprained my ankle I’m afraid. I can deal with it’, I muttered. The other guys were walking in front of us.

 ‘You’re limping. You might fall’, Jaska outed his concern.

‘I’m fine’, I snorted but then I felt myself lose my balance. Strong arms kept me from really falling into the water. And before I knew it, I got lifted up by the tall guitarist.

 ‘You don’t have to do this. Now put me down’, I argued, slightly embarrassed. But Jaska refused and grinned: ‘Don’t worry, love, I’m here to keep you safe. To keep you from falling into the water!’

I rolled my eyes as I held onto him. I managed to smooch him.

 ‘Fuck’, Jaska cursed as I felt him lose his balance. And there was nothing we could do about it.

Together we fell into the water. Jaska gasped when he reached the surface again.

 ‘And here I thought you wouldn’t fall’, I shook my head. Then we both had to laugh.

Jaska crawled out of the water and helped me afterwards.

 ‘Can I still carry you?’, he wanted to know.

‘If I can just lean on you, it’ll be fine’, I suggested. ‘Because if we fall now, we’ll end up on the ground.’

When we finally caught up with the rest, they gave us some questioning looks before bursting out in laughter.

 

**

 

‘I’m surprised you went along with it’, Jari and I walked over the beach. The sun was red and the evening was already there. Olli’s boat was moored to the pier. Jaska and Jani went to a local pub.

Marko and Olli were still on the boat.

I wanted to leave the boat too, but I wasn’t up for going to the pub. So Jari suggested to walk with me over the beach.

 ‘How could I refuse to go on a holiday with you guys?’, I grinned.

‘Well, the very fact that we travelled by boat’, Jari stated. I nodded. ‘Yeah. Glad those pills helped. I still feel a bit nauseous though.’

 ‘You wanna rest?’, Jari stopped walking and searched for my eyes.

‘I’m fine’, I said as I put off my sunglasses. ‘The sight of the beach, the sunset. They calm my mind. It was a great idea of you’, I smiled.

 ‘Good to hear’, Jari commented. He then entwined our fingers and we continued walking.

As I looked behind me, I could see our footprints in the sand. Then I looked at Jari. His gracious hair slightly moved by the wind. He looked like a damn model, I thought.

 I sighed.

It felt like I was in a romantic movie or something. The beach, the sunset, Jari and I walking hand in hand. The only thing that missed now, was a hug or/and a kiss. So I stopped walking.

 Jari wondered why we stopped.

‘I am so happy with you, Jari’, I expressed my feelings. It made the younger man smile brightly.

 ‘Same here’, the drummer replied.

I opened my arms for a welcoming embrace and Jari closed our distance. Then I picked him up and spun around. It made Jari giggle. After I put him down, I kissed him.

 We strolled over the beach, slowly nearing the boat again. My nausea had finally disappeared.


	7. Lost fragments of a bassist

I was quite nervous to go to a new school. I had to leave behind some friends and my beloved house.

We actually went on living in a smaller house. Something I had to get used to.

The first day in school, actually went much better than expected.

Because I met Marko for the first time.

 

He was sitting in the back of the class. There was an empty seat next to him. He was smiling at me when I stood awkwardly in the door opening. Some kids were whispering and pointing at me. It made me feel uncomfortable. So I focused on that kid in the back of the class.

I quickly marched over to him and sat down. The teacher hadn’t arrived yet, luckily.

 ‘You must be that new kid, right?’, the other boy almost greeted me immediately. I nodded  
‘I’m Marko. Teacher told us about your arrival yesterday’, the kid smiled.

I returned his smile and introduced myself. When I took out my journal, Marko noticed the doodles.

 ‘You like to draw a lot?’, he asked me.

‘Yeah. Especially when I’m bored with the classes’, I grinned. The other kid smirked sheepishly and showed me his notes. The paper was more filled with little sketches then actual words.

 ‘I think I already like you’, I exclaimed.

‘Me too! I hope we’ll be good friends’, Marko said. Little did I know we’d become _more_ than just friends.

 

**

 

Kapu was Marko’s friend. I met him in the weekend when I was at Marko’s house.

‘Markus, this is Jani. Jani, this is Markus’, Marko introduced me to his friend. Markus was taller and older than us. He had cool sunglasses on that made him look even more mysterious.

 ‘Hehe, it’s been three weeks since we’ve seen each other, right’, Marko and Markus embraced each other.

Marko gestured to come over and hug too. So I did.

 ‘So, you’re Markus. The guy Marko can’t shut up over’, I joked.

‘That’d be me yes’, the taller kid grinned. I wondered how his eyes looked like. That day, I didn’t see them.

 

Whenever Markus was present, he always wore those darn glasses. For the first time I hoped it wasn’t so sunny.

Maybe I’d prayed enough, because during a Sunday afternoon it suddenly started to rain. The three of us had to go inside the house and Markus finally took off his sunglasses.

 The guy had warm, dark eyes. They really fitted his features.

From then on, I always took great joy in watching Markus remove those glasses that hid his wonderful eyes. Somehow his eyes seemed to contain the world. Most people always talk about the beauty of light eyes. They clearly never looked into Markus’ eyes then.

 

**

 

There’s one special moment I remember about my childhood. I was doing my fifth year at another school than Marko, Olli and Kapu’s school. I had to move to the other side of the country after my parents divorced.

The school year had ended and there had been a school festival. It was fun, though I’d rather be with my friends at the festival. So I went home earlier on that evening. My mother asked me why I came back that early. I said I was feeling tired. I retreated to my room where I started my PlayStation.

 After a while I got bored and went to bed.

There was a large window at my bedside so I could look outside. From where I was laying, I could look up at the wonderful sky with all its stars.

 I wondered if it was just my imagination, but some stars were shining brighter than usual.

And if I knew some stuff about stars, it was the constellation Orion that was shining bright tonight. I sat up in my bed and opened the window. A soft evening breeze greeted my face.

 ‘I miss you guys’, I mumbled as I looked at those stars.

Then one of those stars seemed to _wink_ at me. I felt the wind against my cheek again. Like a sweet kiss. I didn’t know why, but it reminded me of Olli. That jolly kid who was a year younger than us.

Somehow I felt his presence here, even though he was far away from me now.

 ‘Are you trying to say something to me, Olli?’, I asked the stars, knowing very well they wouldn’t answer me. But then that star winked at me again. I grinned. Now I was sure it was Olli.

He was thinking about me and I thought about him.

 

**

 

The night we performed at that local pub in England, will never be forgotten. It was because of Jaska.

After we had installed ourselves in the corner of the building, Jaska sat on the first row.

We played our usual songs and Jaska observed. And then we made eye contact. His eyes were locked with mine and I was surprised I didn’t forget the chords. He smiled at me.

 After our little performance we started to pack our stuff. Jaska walked over to me and helped me with storing some cables.

 ‘You were amazing. I’m one hundred percent sure I’m willing to join you now’, he exclaimed excited.

‘Glad to hear it. You seem like a great guy to work with’, I replied.

Jaska raised an eyebrow. ‘You sure? We hardly know each other.’

 ‘But we can change that, can’t we?’, I commented. Jaska nodded. I picked up my case and I stood still for a few seconds.

 Jaska was still looking at me. I wondered why. Then he came closer. Our faces were now only a few inches away from each other.

 His lips brushed over mine. We almost didn’t touch. ‘Time to go’, Jaska said, snapping me out of my daze.

 There was a cheeky grin playing on his lips and it made me blush.

 

**

 

There was one memory of Jari and me in the park. When I think back, it seemed so unreal, yet so funny.

It was spring and Jari and I were taking his dog and the dog of a niece of mine for a walk in the park.

She was on a two week vacation and the guys didn’t mind to have another dog at home

 Jari had asked me if I ever had a dog myself.

‘My granny always had a dog. A chihuahua’, I grinned. My niece’s dog, however, was a bit taller. It was a Labrador.

 The walk in the park was relaxing and everything was going fine. _Until_ there was this one squirrel.

Jari warned me to keep my dog close, but it was already too late.

In surprise my grip around the leash loosened and that darn dog got away. Needless to say, it affected Jari’s dog too. The drummer ran after his dog.

 ‘Come here!’, I shouted but the dog just didn’t listen. Of course the squirrel escaped by climbing into a nearby tree.

 While the Labrador was jumping against the tree, I took the opportunity to grab the dog’s leash again.

‘Gotcha’, I grinned. Jari laughed as he got hold of his own dog now.

And just when we thought the “madness” had ended, our dogs started to run in circles.

The animals were too fast to catch up to and before we knew it, we got tangled in their leashes. Until today I still don’t know how that happened. I thought such things were only possible in movies.

 

But there we were. Drummer and bassist wrapped up by leashes. Jari was blushing and it looked damned cute. It made me forget about the awkward situation we found ourselves in.

I started to laugh. It affected my friend too. I kissed his reddened nose.

 ‘Let’s get out of this mess’, he muttered. I nodded.

Luckily for us, our dogs had stopped moving around so we could easily untangle ourselves.

  Jokingly I snorted: ‘Tonight you can unwrap something else than just leashes.’

‘Then we’ll just have to take things to the private bedroom’, Jari grinned.


	8. Lost fragments of a blond guitarist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just wtf, why is this so long  
> i didn't mean it to be that long xD lmao

When I was little, I didn’t like living on a boat. We always had to move from city to city. I always needed to go to a new school: always had to leave behind my new made friends. I didn’t like goodbyes.

So when my parents told me they were going to stay for a year now, I was really happy.

After I helped them with some stuff, I left the boat and went for the cliffs. It was noon and the sun shone bright.

I sat down and stared at the waves. With force they crashed against the rocks. I was surprised I hadn’t grown tired of the sound of the rushing waves yet.

While I was totally focused on the horizon in front of me, I didn’t notice three figures approaching me.

So when I looked behind me, I got startled. I quickly picked up my bag and put my water bottle in it.

The guy with the blond hair assured me they weren’t here to chase me away.

 

It was Marko, Jani and Markus.

 

Although they were a year older than me, it didn’t bother me. The only “disadvantage” was that we weren’t in the same class. But after school, we made time for each other.

 

One day, I invited them to the boat when my parents weren’t home.

‘The boat looks larger than it looks from the outside’, Markus remarked.

We tried to sit on my bed, but eventually we ended up on the floor. Jani had joked to do a drinking game.

 ‘What is that girls always do at sleepovers?’, Marko guessed out loud.

‘Truth or dare?’, I tried. The other blond nodded. ‘Exactly.’

So we sat in a little circle. I’d brought some snacks and drinks.

 ‘Alright, who wants to start?’

‘I’ll start with asking’, Markus initiated. There was a lot of laughing and silly stuff we had to do.

 Jani had to drink his whole bottle in one go. We all confessed that we played the ring and run game.

And then Marko wanted to know if I ever kissed someone.

 ‘I’m not going to answer that!’, I exclaimed while blushing.

‘You said you  were going to do truth’, the other guy snorted. I rolled my eyes. Markus and Jani started to make drumming sounds, awaiting my response.

 ‘Alright! No! No, I have never kissed someone before’, I confessed embarrassed as I looked away from their judging eyes.

 ‘Okay. Was it really that hard?’, Marko huffed. ‘Yes it was. How about you guys?’, I threw the question back at them.

 The three friends looked each other in the eye for a minute before starting to grin sheepishly.

‘We’ve all had our share of kisses already’, Jani chuckled. Marko, who was sitting next to me, shifted closer.

 ‘So, you never kissed anybody. Wanna change that?’, he gave me a cheeky look.

‘A- Are you serious?!’, I stammered. My heart started to beat faster. Marko and I had become good friends but was it okay to kiss another guy?

 Marko must’ve read my thoughts. ‘It’s okay to kiss guys, y’know. Nothing strange with that. Besides, we’re good friends, right?’

 I nodded. Yes, we were.

‘But do friends really kiss each other? I mean, we’re both male’, I started to hesitate. I wondered if Marko was a good kisser.

 ‘Yes we do’, Jani replied as he leaned closer to Markus to give him a quick smooch on his cheek.

‘Not only girls have that privilege’, he added.

Then I looked back at Marko, who was still very close to me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided it wouldn’t hurt anybody. I quickly pressed my lips against Marko’s. We bumped noses. It incited a chuckle from him.

 ‘You have to tilt your head a bit, like this’, Marko demonstrated and kissed me back.

When he sat back, he patted my hair and smiled: ‘So, now all of us had kissed somebody!’

 But Marko wasn't just a somebody to me.

**

 

Markus was the one who calmed me down when we had our first live performance ever.

Although it was just in a theatre. People actually made time for us. People would pay to see us.

There were flyers hanging outside the building. I was holding onto my guitar case. My grip so firm, my knuckles turned white. Markus, who was walking behind me, noticed.

 ‘You nervous?’, he asked me. His voice made me turn around and look him in the eyes.

‘Pretty much. Aren’t you?’, I wanted to know.

 ‘Yeah, I am. But we don’t have to worry. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be like the college parties’, he tried to reassure me.

 ‘But what if people want their money back?’, I said, still not convinced.

‘It’s okay, Olli’, Markus took a few big steps so he was walking straight next to me. He proceeded to swing an arm over my shoulder and pull me close.

 ‘Don’t worry! You’ll be doing fine! If you feel unsure, just think about our practice sessions in the studio. Or you can look at me and then I’ll wink at you, giving you a thumbs up too’, Kapu grinned.

 

The live performance went smoother than expected. Markus’ words helped me a lot.

And when there was this one moment of doubt, I searched for Kapu’s eyes. Although his eyes were hidden by his sunglasses this time, I knew his eyes were smiling together with his mouth.

 As promised, he gave me a thumbs up and I could go on.

I played my solo flawlessly and I heard the crowd cheering me on.

After our play, I walked up to Markus in the hallway. ‘You did great!’, he shouted from the other side of the hall. I grinned and ran to him. Kapu stood ready and I jumped into his arms.

 ‘You did an amazing job too, Markus’, I exclaimed in joy.

 

**

 

I was sick: caught some annoying fever. It was probably already noon and I got restless. I stepped outside my bed and almost had to sit back because of the dizziness. My hand touched my forehead.  

 Still hot.

I hobbled over to the mirror in the corner of the room. My face was paler than usual. I spotted some droplets of sweat on my head. Fingers trembling slightly.

I wore an oversized T-shirt and some loose boxers. I should probably shower. Hopefully I wouldn’t smell too much. I decided to eat something. I was getting hungry. Hopefully that was a sign of me getting better.

 

 ‘Olli!’

‘Jani!’, I said surprised when we almost bumped into each other.

The bassist had a worried look on his face. ‘I just came checking on you. Are you alright? shouldn’t you lay in bed?’

 ‘I was going to eat something’, I explained. ‘Also wanted to shower. It’s been a week.’

Jani jokingly pinched his nose and said: ‘I can smell it.’ I managed to roll with my eyes. I walked to my closet where I took out some fresh clothes.

 ‘Need some help?’, he asked me. Part of me didn’t want any help but I still felt dizzy from my sickness. So I said “yes” to him.

 ‘What about a bath? Might be more relaxing’, Jani suggested. ‘Why not.’

Jani carried me to the bathroom. I sat on the crutch while Jani filled the tub. After it was filled with hot water, Jani checked if it wasn’t too hot.

 My arms still felt weak so my friend also helped me to undress.

I carefully stepped into the bath. The water somehow felt comforting even though my feverish state.

After I relaxed some more, Jani got the soap. His fingers went through my hair and started to massage my scalp too. Even his rougher motions were quite enjoyable.

With all the shampoo going on, I made myself a beard out of the soap. It had the both of us laughing.

 ‘This will probably be the only beard I’ll ever have’, I snorted.

Jani cackled. ‘I would like to kiss you, but then I’d drown in all that soap on you face.’ While Jani was this close already, I smacked one hand of soap against his face. ‘There ya go’, I laughed.

The bassist snorted and then decided to “attack” me with the showerhead.

 ‘And now it’s time to wash off those sins!’

After the water got drained from the tub, Jani helped me get out of the bath without slipping. He dried me with a fluffy towel.

 ‘So you’re going to wear those nice shirts again?’, Jani grinned as he started to button up my black shirt.

 ‘Yes. I’ve been laying in bed for too long’, I commented and then coughed.

‘Maybe you should stay in bed. I’ll get you something to eat.’

 ‘Alright, but you don’t have to feed me. I think I can do that myself’, I replied.

Jani smirked: ‘Sure? This is a onetime deal, y’know?’

I chuckled: ‘Alright, do it your way. I just hope you won’t get sick too from being in my company!’

‘I am  already sick. Lovesick, that is’, that smooth bastard responded with a wink.

 

**

 

We were sleeping in the tent again. All six of us. Next to me was Jaska. He was turning around.

‘Jaska?’, I whispered.

‘You’re awake too, Olli?’, the other guitarist said in a soft voice. ‘Yes. Can’t sleep?’

‘Nope. The tattoo itches a little’, the other man replied. I turned over so I laid face to face.

 ‘Hehe, shall I kiss it? Maybe then the itch goes away’, I hummed.

‘Be careful, though. I’m still sensitive there.’                                                                           

‘I will’, I mused. Jaska turned slightly so I could see his left arm. He lifted up his sleeve. His arm, of course, was covered with cling film. I carefully pressed a kiss on his upper arm.

Then I blew over it. ‘Is that okay?’

 ‘Yeah’, Jaska mused.

A few weeks after, I got to see the tattoo in all its glory. Again, I pressed a soft kiss on the inked arm.

 ‘You look beautiful in those tattoos’, I hummed.

Jaska laughed. ‘Thanks, maybe you should get a tattoo as well.’

 ‘Well, I was considering it’, I replied while raising an eyebrow. Jaska looked surprised. ‘Really? Where?’

‘Right here’, I joked as I pointed at my butt. ‘Of course. Tell me when and I’ll make sure to be there’, Jaska chuckled and then he couldn’t resist to tap my butt.

 

**

 

If there was one thing Jari and I had in common, it was our height. The other bandmembers always joked about that. But we both were _very_ energetic as well.

And sometimes, we challenged each other to see who had the highest stamina.

‘Shall we run around the block?’, Jari challenged me.

‘Works for me, just know I’m the fastest!’, I grinned.

 ‘Because your ass?’, he remarked.

It made me giggle and then I nodded. ‘Yes. Try to catch me!’

We were running through town eventually. Some people had given us some looks, but I didn’t mind. Which mattered now, was that Jari was actually ahead of me. Damn, that drummer.

Maybe, _just_ maybe did I cheat then. I faked a fall. Jari looked behind and saw that I “fell”.

 ‘Olli, are you alright?!’, the guy run back to help me. But just when he tried to help me, I jumped back to my feet and started to sprint.

 ‘See you later, Jari!’, I yelled.

‘You sneaky bastard!’, was Jari’s shouted answer. While laughing, I eventually ran out of breath. Then Jari launched himself at me. I don’t know how it happened, but we both ended up in a nearby alleyway.

  ‘You’ll pay for that’, Jari hissed.

I got stuck between the drummer and the cold wall. I was trying to catch my breath but Jari didn’t let me. He kissed me hungrily. ‘Gosh’, I breathed. It was quite a hot and wet kiss. It even got my knees shaking, but that was also because of all the running I’d done.

 ‘If you’re that desperate, we should go back home’, I pouted.

‘Oh, shut up’, Jari growled as he made our mouths clash again. After the intense kiss, he stepped back, grinned and stated that I was probably right.


	9. Lost fragments of a dark haired guitarist

It all started with a dream. My way too ambitious dream. I wanted to become famous. I was young and foolish enough to think I could just start on my own with no real experience whatsoever.

At home I had some problems with my parents. Our ideals of my future really differed. We had many argues because of it. And with me, being the rebellious teen I was, that wasn’t a great combination.

So as soon as I was eighteen, I rented a room nearby college to live there. Far away from my parents.

Five years later I’d already followed music lessons and bought a guitar.

But that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more. Just playing in a small pub or at a student party didn’t really do it for me. Of course, my dream was way out of my league at that moment.

Eventually I took some odd jobs here and there, dropped out of college (those classes were boring anyway) and flew all the way from Finland to England. America was a little too far for me.

 

Unlike my expectations, I didn’t really find the right people there. Nor did I got big in England.

Which lead to me ending up on the streets eventually. From time to time I had to do stupid and harsh work so I could at least rent a room in some lousy motel.

Luckily for me, everything worked out in the end. I was only half a year jobless and actually homeless before Marko and his friends came along.

 

I retreated to an abandoned alleyway. Away from the crowded streets. At this time of the day there weren’t many people who’d like to hear some music from a simple guitarist.

Yet I couldn’t resist to play some more after I sat down next to a trash bin. I put on my hood to hide my face. Although my fingers felt a bit cramped, I kept on playing. Who knows which curious cat would pop up around the corner. After a while I was wondering if I could get some food later this night.

I still hadn’t eaten anything since dawn.

My own music calmed me down and I quietly lolled to the tune as well. It made me forget about the world around me until a sweet voice spoke to me.

 

\--

 

At first, I was hesitating to join them. I still hadn’t a lot of money to even rent a decent room. I wondered if I could ever repay my debt to Marko and the others.

But the singer always kept telling me I didn’t owe them anything.

 

But I decided to talk to Marko about it again after a few weeks after we went back to Finland. It was good to be in my own country again.

When I wanted to start a conversation, Marko said he wanted to take me for a drive. I didn’t know what to expect. Apparently he wanted to show me the playground and his old home.

 

Although I’ve never visited that house, I felt some kind of nostalgia and a melancholic feel.

The playground was rusty and old, as expected from something that was abandoned for some years.

I decided to join the singer on the swings. My feet dragged over the dirt as I sway lightly.

It took me some time to finally confess my concerns to Marko. It also took me some time to be convinced by him.

 I still felt doubtful and some tears started to form in the corners of my eyes. I tried to hold them back but it was no use. Shit, I didn’t want Marko to see me like this. I didn’t want him to see me weak like this. He kept reassuring that they loved me. He accentuated that _he_ loved me.

 ‘But before we met, you guys were totally fine on your own’, I retorted. Marko slightly moved to my side and hugged me. The singer felt warm and strong. He warmed my heart every time we hugged.

 ‘Thanks, Marko’, I expressed my gratitude. The other man gently wiped away the tears that had fallen from my cheeks.

 Then he said I was beautiful. His wonderful eyes kept mine locked longer than normal. My face started to warm up too now. He said that, not only because he wanted to make me feel better, but because he thought it was true.

 I could hear it in his voice and I read it all over his face. Marko gave me a smile and then kissed my forehead.

It made me want to kiss him back. So I did. I left the swing and walked up close. I was taller than Marko. I could kiss him on his head but I wanted to kiss those soft looking lips.

My hands were doubtfully placed on Marko’s cheeks.

 ‘You are pretty attractive too’, I stated and finally dared to kiss him. The move made my heart beat in  a rapid pace. I could hear it beat in my ears. Maybe I started to love the singer more than I thought.

 

**

 

One time, when we just arrived in a city for a gig, there was a fun fair. We arrived quite early so we decided to explore the fair. We eventually split up. Jari and Marko were in the Ferris wheel. Jani and Olli went to the roller coaster and Markus and I went for the arcade area.

 ‘Can’t believe they still have these’, Markus sounded excited and it affected me.

‘Sure! So, on which one are we going to play?’, I wanted to know. There were many machines to try.

 ‘Maybe start with the classics?’, I followed the keyboardist to one of the machines.

I grinned as I read the title. _Mortal Kombat_.

 ‘Oh, so we’re going to fight, huh?’, I mumbled and Kapu nodded. The man took out a coin and put it in the arcade machine.

 The title screen brought back some memories.

Kapu noticed: ‘Getting sentimental?’

 ‘Oh shut up and let me finish you already’, I grinned as I selected a character.

It was going to be Scorpion VS Sub-Zero. We quickly got into a heated fight of button smashing and fumbling with the joysticks.

 ‘Fucking hell!’, Markus cursed as he lost twice already. I joke: ‘Wanna play something else? Something less hardcore?’

 ‘If you pay this time around’, Kapu snorted. I could live with that. Next stop: the pinball machine.

I flipped my coin to see who could start. Markus.

 The man stood behind the machine and put in my coin.

After we switched several times, Markus came out on top. He was the pinball master. I groaned. There, my money spent.

 ‘Don’t worry, I’ll treat you on a great beer after our gig tonight’, Markus promised with a grin.

And if Kapu promised me something, he kept that promise. After our gig, he treated all of us.

I was tired and sat next to Markus on the couch. I rested my head against his shoulder while I sipped from my beer.

 ‘Greatest beer I’ve ever tasted’, I mused.

Kapu chuckled: ‘Stop exaggerating.’ He gave me a friendly push.

 

**

 

We all spent one of our holidays in Spain once. My friends and I were on the beach. Most of us got into the water pretty quickly.

Markus and Jani however stayed by the blankets and the parasols. Jari was snorkeling.

Olli, Marko and I were throwing a ball around. ‘Don’t drown, kiddo!’, I joked about the blond guitarist’s height and then Olli showed me the middle finger.

 Marko used my inattentiveness to throw the ball at me and it hit me right in the face. It made me lose my balance and quickly I went under. I tried to rub the water out of my eyes but it didn’t really help because my hands, of course, were wet too.

 ‘You, guys!’, I spurted and decided to retreat for a few minutes.

I threw the ball back at the sneaky singer and swam to the shore again.

Markus was sitting underneath the parasol, reading a book.

Jani, on the other hand, was baking in the sun. The silly bassist still had one of his favorite scarves on.

 Jokingly I swept up some sand with my foot.

‘Jaska!’, the bassist almost jumped in the air and it only made me laugh harder.

 ‘It’s funny how you knew it was me’, I grinned. Behind those sunglasses, Jani was rolling his eyes.

 I simply knew it.

 ‘My, oh my, you’re getting a bit red, Jani’, I walked over to him and removed his glasses to see his beautiful eyes.

 ‘I’m trying to get a tan’, the man replied.

‘Did you use the sunscreen Markus gave us?’, I wanted to know. By Jani’s face alone, I knew he had forgotten.

 ‘Lemme do it then’, I smirked. ‘Alright, mister handsome looking coast guard’, Jani commented.

‘I’m no coast guard, but I guess I understand where you’re coming from’, I replied with a wink.

The bassist gave me a smooch and then laid back on his blanket. ‘First your back?’

  ‘Fine’, he said and turned around to lay on his belly.

I put on the lotion in my hands and started to rub them together before using it on the bassist.

‘Hopefully the sun hasn’t hurt that smooth skin of yours already’, I joked.

When the salve was spread evenly in my hands, I started to massage my friend’s back.

With strong strokes I kneaded his muscles and Jani let out a pleased groan. His back was slightly red already. I grinned as I applied a second layer of salve on the man’s back.

  My hands smeared the sunscreen on his legs as well and it made the bassist hum.

‘Nice, nice, Jaska’, he mused.

 My hands trailed up again and they first stopped at the seam of Jani’s swimming trunks. I quickly looked around to see if no one was watching. Markus apparently was. He was silently sitting there in his chair, face hidden behind his book he was “reading”.

 A smirk appeared on Kapu’s face as he tried to guess my next step.

I raised my eyebrow in reply and then sneaked both hands into his pants. Of course, this sudden escalation got Jani’s attention.

 ‘What are you doing?!’, he hissed. He tried to look at me.

‘Just putting some lotion on there too. Gotta protect _all_ the parts’, I chuckled. ‘Hm, your butt hasn’t been salved either, huh.’

I didn’t need to see Jani’s face to know he was looking like a tomato right now. ‘Damn it, Jaska, we’re on the beach for fucks’ sake!’

 ‘Don’t, worry. No one’s watching only our dear Captain. Besides, if women can be topless, then so can you be, eh, pantless?’, my sentence didn’t come out as well as I expected.

 ‘Gosh’, Jani complained but didn’t do anything about it. So I quickly pulled down his pants to reveal his nice buttocks. Before I started to use the sunscreen, I slapped the other man on his butt.

It startled Jani and he cursed. Markus, who was watching the scene unfold, laughed.

After I put enough lotion on his butt, Jani pulled up his pants with a red face.

 ‘Remind me why I would let you do that ever again?’, the bassist exclaimed as he was quickly scanning the area for any people who might’ve spotted us.  No one was looking.

 ‘You gonna join us in the water soon?’, I asked him, totally ignoring the man’s question.

Jani shook his head. ‘I’m afraid you left me in a very awkward state.’ Only now did I notice the guy was still laying on his belly.

 ‘ _Oh_ , okay. Well, good luck with that while we’re at the beach.’

‘Go fuck yourself’, Jani snorted, slightly embarrassed. I only laughed and said: ‘Maybe tonight. Although I’d like some company for that’, I answered with a wink.

 ‘Hey, don’t forget about me then!’, Markus joked.

 

**

If there  was one thing I liked about a thing Olli and I did often together, it was our midnight hugs.  
We often caught each other still awake after the others were already sleeping.

 

In the beginning, when we all slept in our own room, we’d sneak up on each other’s room and lay together. Sometimes it was storming and then I secretly joined Olli in his bed. I knew the guy could be afraid of heavy storms. But there were times when I was too lat and another bandmember had joined the smaller guitarist too soothe him.

That didn’t prevent any of us, to see if I could actually still fit in the bed.

 

There were also moments where Olli couldn’t sleep and then he’d come up to my bed. If I was still awake, I would embrace my friend and give him kisses on his face.

If I wasn’t, then he’d crawl in my bed anyway and embrace me. In the morning, I’d find a small guitarist in my arms or him spooning me in an endearing way.

 

And then there were moments when it went a bit further than just our casual hugs.

Moments when we were still full of adrenaline that needed an outlet.

So sometimes we had lazy intercourse in the middle of the night.

Our clothes were thrown aside. A cushion accidentally pushed off the bed. The sound of a creaking bed and muffled moans and sighs filled the otherwise silent room.

 

But I really loved the nights were we just lied in each other’s arms. I adored those little love confessions and those heartfelt hugs. I liked it when Olli’s head would rest on my chest so he could hear my heart beat. I liked it when I was resting my head on his chest so I could feel his heart.

 I really liked our midnight musings.

 ‘I love you so much, Olli.’

‘And I love you back with an equal amount’

 ‘Do you know how beautiful you are? Your lovely locks of blond hair. Amazing.’

‘Thanks. You’re very handsome too, Jaska. I could be forever in your embrace. Did I already mention your awesome tattoos?’

 ‘Good night, Olli.’

‘Sleep well, Jaska.’

 

**

 

I don’t know why, but I liked to carry Jari around. Be it carrying him bride style or fire man style.

Or I’d just give him a piggy back. Sometimes the drummer would complain.

 ‘Is it because I’m small? Do you feel responsible for me or something?’

‘No! No! I don’t know how to explain this but I think it feels amazing to carry you around. It feels lovely’, I stammered then.

But in the end, Jari didn’t mind to be carried around by me. Sometimes he “used it against me”.

 

‘Come one, Jaska. I’m tired and my feet hurt’, he whined.

‘You hardly came off your chair during the gig’, I retorted. Jari laughed.

‘But you said you liked to carry me forever!’, the drummer pouted. Of course, I couldn’t resist that puppy eyed face of his.

 

One time we went to see the fireworks and other acts at the beach. The place was crowded already when we arrived.

‘Want a better view?’, I asked Jari as I gave him a meaningful look  
‘Yes, please’, the drummer grinned.

So I gave him a piggy back ride. ‘See better?’

 ‘Totally!’, Jari smiled as he patted me on the head. Jokingly he pulled off my beanie.

‘Give it back or I’ll have to drop ya!’, I threatened with a laugh.

 

After we watched the wonderful colors in the sky and the exciting acts at the beach itself, we went home to our hotel room. Needless to say, I carried Jari all the way home.


	10. Lost fragments of a drummer

What could I do? Where could I go? The night would arrive soon and I still hadn’t found a place to stay.

I just bought a snare drum and had carried it with me the whole time. It  became quite heavy.

Why did I bought it anyway? Maybe it was because I was angered and didn’t really had a clear mind when I purchased the darn instrument. Maybe it was some kind of rebellious act against my parents.

  The sun was low and I should really find a place to sleep now.

When I glared at the end of the street, I noticed a large house which was isolated from the rest. Upon closer inspection, the house seemed abandoned. The grass was very tall and some paint came off the walls.

There was no one around so I tried to sneak inside. I wasn’t too surprised to see the door being locked. After some aggressive fumbling  with the lock, I managed to actually break it and get inside. All rooms were empty and dusty. I stayed on the main floor and settled down for the night.

After I laid down my sleeping bag, I sat down on it and prepared some food. I wondered how long I’d stay here. If no one would check on the house, I might stay here for a week. After that, my provisions would be depleted.

 

Two days had passed and I started to feel lonely already. I felt guilty. I left my phone at home so no one could contact me. I wondered if my parents actually went looking for me.

Maybe they’d given up already. Or they didn’t even bother to search for their troublesome son. That thought made me sad. Why did I have to run away? Why was I so rebellious? I regretted my stupid choices. The only thing that kept me from going back home, was the shame I felt.

‘For fuck’s sake, Jari! You’re twenty-four already! By now you should have your shit together’, I damned myself.

 Silently I wept. Stupid me.

That night I felt restless and almost couldn’t sleep. The next day I woke up to find three strange men standing at my side. One of them was the rightful owner of this place. Those people changed my future.

 

\--

 

While everyone was inside celebrating New Year, I went outside to catch some fresh air.

We stayed at a fancy hotel and our room was on the very top of the building. So when I walked outside, I found myself on the roof. This was my first New Year with the band.

The cold night air greeted me and in a reflex I lifted my scarf until it covered a big part of my face. I lowered my beanie so it covered my ears. I walked over to the railing and looked over the city.

Bright little dots lit up the whole surrounding. It reminded me of the stars which were clearly visible now.

‘Isn’t the sky wonderful?’, Marko’s voice caught me off guard. My body language gave me away and he chuckled.

 He stood next to me and together we looked up to the countless stars that wear spread over the dark canvas of navy blue.

 ‘You got tired of all the chatting?’, the singer grinned.

‘Nah, it was just getting warm. Needed some fresh air’, I explained.

‘Understandable. With all those guys in one tiny space, things get hot quickly’, Marko joked.

‘Well, the room isn’t that small’, I commented. The singer teasingly put my beanie over my glasses.

 ‘Damn it Marko, stop that’, I giggled. After I had readjusted my glasses and put my beanie back on, I found Marko gazing in my eyes. It made my heart skip a beat.

 ‘You know what else twinkles as much as those stars? Those lovely eyes of yours’, the singer then playfully poked my nose. I felt my face getting warmer despite the cold wind outside. So I pressed my scarf down so my whole face was visible again.

  I must’ve looked really surprised.

‘What? You don’t believe it? It’s true. You have such lovely eyes. I could look into them forever’, Marko sighed. He stepped closer.

I felt a bit nervous. Although I’d been with Marko and the others for a few months now, I still felt a bit awkward when I was very close to them. To distract myself, I looked at the stars again.

 ‘Hey! Look, a falling star!’, I exclaimed and pointed at said star. Marko, however, didn’t seem to be interested. Instead, he took this opportunity to kiss me on the cheek.

When I faced the singer, he smiled sheepishly.

 ‘That wish is for you. Besides, we totally forgot our New Year’s kiss’, he winked. My face got hotter.

 I gathered all my courage and then kissed Marko on his mouth. The singer chuckled.

‘You’re so cute when you blush like that, Jari’, he said after we parted. His hand brushed over my reddened cheek.

 ‘Oh stop it, you’, I grinned. The taller man pulled me in for an embrace.

 

**

 

After my first gig ever with the guys, we all had some drinks. But apparently I was still green in this whole “drinking business” and it didn’t take me long to get really drunk. Everything I remembered afterwards, had been told by Kapu.

 

First I had jumped on the table. Then I started to sing _and_ dance to _You can keep your hat on_.

Jani, that bastard, had made photos. When I tripped and almost fell off the table, Jaska had to catch me. They had placed me on the couch, but according to Marko I couldn’t sit normally nor could I sit still. I was trying to dance while Jaska and Kapu had to hold me down so I wouldn’t hurt myself.

After I had cooled down, I passed out. Markus had decided to take care of me. He had to carry me all the way to his hotel room. I could only imagine the trouble he had to go through to carry an unconscious body with him.

 

When I woke up, I felt dizzy and my head felt like it could explode.

‘You don’t look so well’, said Captain Obvious who sat next to me. He had a worried frown.

‘I’m sorry, kiddo. Didn’t knew you couldn’t stand all the alcohol.’ I tried to say something, but I only sputtered unintelligent words.

While I was trying to get my senses back, Markus went to the other side of the room to get me some water. When he came back, I had managed to sit up again.

Damn, that nasty hangover. ‘Wha- what happened?’, I muttered. My hand was trembling too much so I couldn’t take the glass. Kapu carefully pressed the glass against my mouth and I slowly took a few sips.

‘You kind of passed out’, Markus replied. Reading his face, I knew he was holding something back.

I gave him an intense glare. The keyboardist eventually gave in to my pouty face and added: ‘After you really got loose. You were very excited and even danced and sang! Gotta admit, you have a stunning singing voice. Even when drunk!’, the other man chuckled.

My face turned red in embarrassment as I tried to imagine how I must’ve looked like to them.

I placed my hands in front of my eyes to hide my face.

 ‘Nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone gets drunk in their lifetime’, Kapu reassured me as he patted me on the back. ‘You feeling better already?’

 I snorted: ‘A little bit.’

The other man pressed a soft kiss on my head and sat next to me.

 ‘Don’t worry. It’s late. You can sleep if you want to. Normally the alcohol will wear off during your sleep.’

 ‘So everything’s going back to normal tomorrow?’, I yawned. Kapu nodded. Then I remembered I was still in his bedroom instead of mine. I wanted to walk but Markus grabbed me by the wrist.

 ‘Don’t walk yet!’, right when he said it, I started to feel dizzy again and fell back on the bed.

‘You can sleep here tonight. I don’t mind’, Markus remarked.

 ‘Oh, thanks’, I mumbled as I cuddled against the keyboardist.

‘Sleep well, Jari’, he whispered. It made me smile.

 ‘One thing, though, tomorrow you might want to delete some pics from Jani’s camera’, Kapu added.

My pupils grew wide and Markus only laughed.

 ‘He took pictures of me being drunk?!’, I exclaimed.

Kapu chuckled: ‘I’m afraid so. But some of them looked kind of sweet. I hope you won’t delete those.’

‘O, I’ll delete all of them!’

 

**

 

I didn’t know why, but Jani and I often held silly competitions.

One time, we tried to see if we could beat Olli’s record of jumping height. We both failed to beat the record of course. One can simply not jump higher than that guy.

 

That one time, we got really bored on the bus. So Jani introduced me to the so called “water bottle flip challenge”. We used my half empty bottle to do the trick.

 Jani started. With a smooth swing of his arm he launched the bottle into the air, hoping it would land correctly on the table. But it didn’t.

 ‘My turn’, I picked up the fallen object and tried it myself.

‘It’s harder than it looks’, Jani warned. I grinned. One flip. And so it went on for another couple of minutes.

 Until Jani magically managed to complete the challenge. ‘I win’, he declared victoriously.

‘Lemme try, once more. It’s not because I’m bad at losing’, I snorted. The bassist threw me the bottle and I caught it.

I moved my arm and hand and let go of the bottle. It smashed against the table and something funny happened. The bottle cap got off and the water got out.

It landed on Jani’s pants and I just couldn’t contain my laughter.

 ‘Damn you, Jari!’, the other man jumped off his chair and wanted to change his pants.

When he stood in the passageway, Kapu walked by. He raised an questioning eyebrow at the stain at Jani’s crotch.

 ‘What just happened? I heard you guys and I was sitting in the total front of the bus!’

‘It’s not what it looks like! And no, I didn’t peed in my pants. It’s all his fault!’, the bassist exclaimed as he pointed at me.

 ‘True, Kapu, I threw the bottle and it magically opened and spilled itself on our dear bassist’s lap!’, I explained.

 ‘Yeah, right’, Markus snorted.

 

Another challenge was the convenient stare challenge. The first one who laughed, lost and had to treat the other on a drink. I won.

 ‘That’s unfair, you have your glasses on! That counts as a shield’, Jani complained but I only laughed.

‘Can’t convince me, I want my beer.’

 ‘You sure? Last time  you drank beer, you started to dance and _almost_ stripped too! Damn, wish you’d done that’? Jani gave me a smirk and I rolled my eyes.

 ‘Stop teasing me with that already!’

‘Will a kiss be a good treat?’, the bassist gave me a wink.

 ‘You have to give me at least two kisses.’

 

 

**

 

Both Olli and I liked boats and sailing. While we were one a small holiday , Olli said he wanted to show me something.

We went to the beach and I started to laugh when I saw it. There were various boats at the docks.

No real boats: they were meant for children.

 ‘What’s up with it?’, I wanted to know.

‘Well, we both like ships. I want to challenge you’, the blond guitarist grinned.

‘You want me to use such thingy?’, I chuckled. Olli now gave me a serious look which made me change my facial expression as well.

 But then Olli burst out in laughter and patted me on my shoulder: ‘Yes. It’s gonna be fun.’

And heck, it sure was.

 

Navigating these tiny boats was easier than the real deal, but it was amusing nonetheless.

Especially to see two grown men sitting on a small boat, competing against each other. Olli had set the destination we should race to. With only three accelerations, there was no real speed.

The guitarist was sneaky and found a shortcut.

 

After the silly race we walked over the beach eating some tasty ice cream.

We decided to stay at the shore together. The others didn’t seem to mind. The stars started to appear in the sky and I enjoyed the other man’s company. We sat shoulder to shoulder, head to head.

 ‘You’re warm’, Olli commented.

‘I am? You’re surprisingly cold tonight, come here’, with that I pulled the other man closer to me.

There was a silence between us but we didn’t need to talk much to understand each other.

Sometimes it was just okay to sit and be together without all the talking.

 

‘Say, Jari, did I ever told you about the stars? Or did someone else?’, Olli broke the silence.

I shook my head. ‘Nope, what about it?’

Olli smooched me and then explained: ‘There’s one special constellation up there. It’s Orion. You know that one?’

 ‘I believe so. The one with those three aligned stars?’ I guessed. The guitarist nodded.

‘Yes, that one. It holds a special place in our hearts. Thanks to Markus. He told us about it when we were still kids.

 ‘What’s so special then?’, I got curious now.

‘Well, they represent us according to Markus. Back when we were still a quartet, we looked at those stars one night. It was after the school festival at the end of the school year. Markus, Marko and I laid in the grass of the playground. Jani, sadly, was at the other side of the country because that divorce of his parents. Anyway, it was then when Markus showed us the constellation. He said those three dots of Orion’s belt were us. And Jani was one of the little stars that are beneath those bigger stars. Now that Jaska and you have joined us, the constellation is complete’, Olli finished his story.

 It left me speechless.

I never thought about it that way. I smiled at my friend and kissed him on his right cheek. Olli then gave me a kiss on my left cheek. I hugged him strongly and smooched him again.

 Olli returned my smooch and we quickly rolled over the sand.

It left our clothes wrinkled and our hair full of grains of sand. It made us laugh. I laid on top of the guitarist. I grinned. ‘I’m afraid we’ll have to take a shower when we get home.’

 ‘I believe so.’

I quickly crawled off Olli and started to wipe away some sand. Olli jokingly tapped my butt.

‘You got some sand there too, love’, he winked.

 

While we were walking home, we held each other’s hands. When I looked up at the sky, I smiled and looked for Orion. From now on, I’d see that constellation in another light.

 

**

 

Whenever I recalled my first meeting with the band, Jaska came first to mind. From the very first day, he and I had a connection. I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but it was true.

 

He was the first face I saw after I woke up in confusion. He had patted me, although he hardly knew me. Yet, I didn’t feel like he was too close in my personal space. In fact, the stranger soothed me.

Jaska’s voice was something special.

The tall guitarist was the first one to out his concern when he found me like that. In the first few minutes after our very first meeting, he already told me something personal. He had been homeless.

I was surprised about his honesty and trust in me. So I couldn’t do anything else than tell the truth to him and the other two men.

 

A few weeks had passed and I wanted to discuss some things with Jaska. I wanted to tell him about the way I felt. How I felt about the guitarist.

I wanted to know more about him and how he felt about us.

 

‘I just wanted to thank you again for accepting me in your band’, I started the conversation awkwardly.

‘Hehe, you don’t have to, really. But you’re welcome’, the dark haired guitarist smiled at me and it made me weak in the knees. Good thing, I was sitting on one of the swings. We had a small break from the reconstruction site.

 ‘What I really wanted to say, is that I really felt comfortable when we first met. I- I mean… when I met you, we were complete strangers to each other. And yet, I felt at ease in your presence. You knew how to calm me down and stuff’, I stammered.

 ‘Thanks’, Jaska replied.

‘Y’know, maybe this is just me b- but when we met in this house, I felt something. Like there was that click between us. You understand?’, I gulped as I looked for Jaska’s eyes.

 The other man nodded. ‘Yes, definitely. I felt like we were very alike. The way you fled your home, it reminded me of my younger self. Well, “younger”, that wasn’t so long ago’, Jaska laughed.

 I remembered. Jaska told me about his backstory when we drove to their studio.

‘And I really wanted you to have a good future too. Didn’t want you to make the same mistakes as I did’, the older man added.

 ‘Hehe, so you pitied me’, I grinned.

‘Yes. But you also charmed me’, I spotted a small blush on the guy’s cheek.

‘Then I feel the same way. I could immediately be myself around you. And back then, you already saw me at my worst’, I mumbled, still a bit embarrassed. ‘I feel safe and comfortable around you’, I wanted him to know that.

 Jaska started to giggle.

‘What is it?’, I asked. Was he kidding me?

‘Nothing. It’s just that you start to stutter and stammer all of a sudden now. Sometimes when I’m around or when we’re alone, you do that too’, he stated.

 ‘R- really? I mean, that’s because I love you!’, I exclaimed, quickly slapping a hand against my mouth to shut myself up. But what I said, couldn’t be unheard anymore.

 The handsome guitarist raised an eyebrow.

‘So you _do_ love me after all! Glad we’re on the same wavelength then!’

‘Yes I do! I mean, wait, what?!’, it was my turn to be surprised. Jaska gave me a warm smile and nodded.

‘I love you too, Jari. As you said before, there was a click between us from the first day we met. I felt it as well. First I thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t’, the man confessed.

 ‘B- but how? I mean, aren’t you in a relationship with them?’, I didn’t want to look disappointed or sad, but I did.

 ‘Yes I am. But I would like to be with you now, too’, Jaska stated. I blinked a few times. Was he serious?

‘How about the others?’, I wanted to know.

 ‘I already told Jani and Olli about my feelings towards you. They say didn’t mind if I’d were to start a relationship with you. And to be honest, I don’t think the others will think bad of us either. After all, we’re all in a consenting relationship with each other.’

 ‘Oh, so you guys are in a polyamorous relation I suppose?’, I guessed.

‘Yes we are. But now I want to know what _you_ think about _us_ then. I mean, I’ll still have to make time for the others as well’, Jaska questioned me.

 ‘I think it’s fine. I can share you’, I laughed. ‘I already do that, don’t I?’

We now got off our swings to hug each other. Jaska picked me up and spun me around until we laid together in the grass.

 ‘It’s funny, y’know?’, Jaska grinned.

‘What?’

 ‘This place. This playground. Here I outed my feelings and concerns to Marko for the first time too. Just like you do now’, Jaska explained.

 ‘Oh, really? Then this playground really is magical’, I commented.

‘Y’know how my sorrows and confusions ended?’, Jaska asked me. I shook my head.

‘It ended in a comforting kiss. So how about me ending your concerns with a kiss too?’ Jaska winked at me. I shifted closer and then Jaska closed our distance and made our lips touch.

 


	11. Memories of a Playground pt. 1 (Markus)

The playground reminded Markus of his childhood.

He basically grew up there with Marko, his childhood friend and future partner.

He was the first person other than Marko’s parents to see it.

Markus and Marko repainted the whole thing eventually. Small handprints on the swings, on the slide and on the seesaw.

Those handprints became a mark of growth. Each year they would put new prints on the playing field.

 

A few years later, handprints of new people got added.

The prints evolved. From the small hand of a child to the handprint of a grown adult.

 

When Jari joined them, they repainted the whole playground and treehouse again.

  It was summer.

They all wore old clothes and Markus and Jani had bought a whole stock of new paint.

Green, blue, yellow, red, orange, white, brown and so on.

 Everyone picked up a few brushes and started to paint.

It didn’t take them long before their hands got besmirched with the pigment too. Soon they all put handprints on the swing set, the slide, the walls of the treehouse and the seesaw.

 After Jaska had jokingly put a blue handprint on Olli’s face, it escalated in a paint fight.

It left all six bandmembers totally covered in various colors. They laid in the grass together and laughed.

 ‘Tell me again why to paint me the colors of sky and rain again?’, Marko grinned.

‘Don’t you think our love is as beautiful as these colors?’, Jani remarked.

 ‘It totally is. Bright and lively’, Jari hummed and the rest agreed in silence.

 

_Markus grinned as he recalled that very colorful day. From that day on, Markus thought of the playground as a painting. A very vivid painting that smelled like his childhood._


	12. Memories of a Playground pt. 2 (Jani)

For Jani, the playground was all about emotions.  

 

He shared his first kiss with Marko at the swings.

 

During a warm spring day, he and Jaska were fooling around and sat on the seesaw. It was then when Jani confessed his love to the guitarist. When Jaska returned those feelings, he felt like the happiest  bassist on earth.

 

In the treehouse he and Olli got into a heated discussion once which led to a break up. It left both of them heartbroken. They didn’t want to end their relationship like that. But they needed to give each other some breathing space and after a month, they got together again.

 

Jani also remembered the time there was a pretend marriage between them all and how Markus had proposed to him while he sat at the bottom of the slide and the bassist sat on top of the slide.

 

The most painful thing he experienced at the playground was the aftermath of Jari’s  death.

It hit him very hard. Especially when everyone was sitting on the swings and that one swing wasn’t occupied by the cheerful guy.

 

But the playing field reminded Jani also about a very blissful moment with the drummer.

They had managed to put a hammock between the big tree and the smaller tree next to it.

Jari and he were the first to test the thing. The afternoon was spent lazily in that hammock. They had cradled there in each other’s embraces.

 

_Jani looked outside the window and saw the playground. It was like a wave of different memories and feelings flooded over him. He often felt a single tear on his cheek when he glanced over to that playground._


	13. Memories of a Playground pt. 3 (Olli)

The playground was not just a simple playground for Olli. It was _the_ playground for them to create their music. It was _the_ place where most of their inspiration came from. Or at least, where it culminated into the magical tunes and sounds and everything in-between.

 

The playground was the place where they would all sit together, be it on the swings or just in the grass.

They’d talk, laugh, love and make music.

Olli liked the sound of the leaves rustling in the soft summer wind. It gave a soothing pace to his life.

 

During the winter, everything seemed so static, yet so calm and pure.

Sometimes he and Jari would go outside. Jari would use the icicles that had formed underneath the slide as drums. Olli would strum along. One time, they were joined by the others.

And surprisingly, they also got company from curious birds that hadn’t leave the cold country for warmer places.

 

 _Olli thought that wonderful playground just_ breathed _music. From the whistles of the leaves in the fresh spring, the rusty squeaking of the seesaw in the fall to the creaking wood of the treehouse in the summer and the silent whispers from the swings in the winter._


	14. Memories of a Playground pt. 4 (Jaska)

Whenever Jaska felt sad or angry, he looked for the playground. There was some serene atmosphere surrounding that place, which made the guitarist calm down.

He would sit down on one of the swings. Inhale and exhale. He would let his feet drag over the soil. During spring and summer, he would often go barefooted to the playing field. There was a certain temptation to feel the grass tickle his toes, to bury his feet in the sand.

It made Jaska relax his stiff posture and let him sway softly on those swings.

Sometimes he just had to escape all the turmoil in his life and unwind for a few precious minutes at that lovely place.

 

The playground was also a place to comfort others or to be comforted.

The guitarist remembered when he first visited the playground: he just joined Marko’s band.

Jaska had been so unsure about his own place in the band and Marko had soothed him on that playground. He had told him about the precious memories he had here and how there would be more sweet memories created now that Jaska joined them.

 

 _That playground,_ their _playground gave Jaska a special sanctuary. The playground was like a large woolen blanket in which he could wrap himself up if he ever felt lost._

_As soon as he stepped into the place, he could feel an invisible cloak embrace him, telling him everything was alright._

_Jaska wondered if their souls got imprinted in that playground._


	15. Memories of a Playground pt. 5 (Jari)

There was a melancholic feel in the drummer when he first inspected the playground.

It was so abandoned and yet there was something vivid about it. The mysterious handprints on everything screamed childhood and intimate memories.

 

The playground became a symbol for change in Jari’s eyes.

In the beginning, he didn’t really know what to do with his life. The playground seemed to reflect that. Not really knowing if it would ever regain its purpose.

Then Marko and his friends came along and changed everything. They took the drummer with them on their interesting music adventures.

 

Together they repainted the dull looking playground. They had breathed new life into the playground and they also breathed new life into Jari’s life.

Jari felt like he finally got some purpose in life. The playground regained its purpose after all.

It made Jari realize that change and improvement was possible.

He could change and become a better man.

 

Change was written all over the playground. The change of colors. The new handprints.

Slight cracks in some wood and the rusted hinges and lock of the treehouse.

The bond between the bandmembers had deepened. Their hearts became more entwined with each other.

 

Jari liked it when they all laid in the grass together. They shared their ideas, their dreams and music.

Together they made sure those dreams became a reality.

Together they made sure the music got created.

 

 _There was one thing that kept unchanged, Jari thought. The heartbeat of the playground._ _After everything that playground went through, it remained intact. Sort of. Strong like the large tree and strong like their love._

_The  heart of the playground never stopped beating. Jari hoped their souls would be immortalized together with that steady  beat._


	16. The world in-between pt. 1 (Jari)

Sometimes it feels like you’re in a movie. There are moments where you have random flashbacks. Like you put a videotape of your childhood in the recorder and see a small scene from your former life flash by.

From time to time there are these déjà vu moments. Or you think you can look into the future because you had a strange, but very realistic dream.

Sometimes your life goes fast, like it’s sped up. You lose your sense of time and before you know it, you awake in the next day.

But time can slow down too. When you’re bored, sad or when something intense happens.

 

And now, I feel like I’m in a drama. An emotional film where you see the “ghost” of the main character stand in the middle of the hospital room where his former body lies. Dead of course. His beloved ones around him, mourning the tragic death.

 

First there is some surprise because I can _see_ again. I wonder if people who have been blind for their whole life could see after they passed away.

Now I look closer to my old bedroom. The sight of it breaks my heart just like I broke theirs.

 

I see Jani holding my lifeless body in his arms. Countless tears roll down his face and I wish I could brush them away.

Jaska stands in the doorway with Marko in his wheelchair. Both of their appearances are stoic. They seem frozen in time. I wish I could snap them out of their mental paralysis.

Olli slams a fist against the wall. His face is a mixture of anger and sadness. He shouts and growls, walking restless through the room. I wish I could light the warm fire in his eyes again.

And then I spot Kapu. His face is pale. He has taken my left hand into his. His hand trembles as he holds tighter onto my cold and stiff hand. Oh, how I wish I could calm him down as well.

 

Just like in those sad movies, I can’t do anything about it. I can shout all I want: they simply can’t hear nor see me. It makes me feel powerless. An unexplained nausea causes me to retreat from the frigid room.

 With pain in my heart (how can I feel my heart if it isn’t there anymore?) I leave my friends behind again.

 They become blurred lines and colors and I start to forget. I try to hold onto them, but I can’t.

‘Farewell’, I mumble.

 

**

 

‘I see you have finally awaken’, a soft voice wakes me up.

My eyes blink a few times. I’m lying in an idyllic grass field. The sun shines bright and warms my cool face. I crawl up and see myself in a place that feels so nostalgic. Yet I don’t remember anything.

Who am I anyway? I start to call out for the stranger’s voice.

 ‘Where are you? Where am I? And _who_ am I?’, I shout. The voice chuckles. It is heard all around me and it slightly frightens me because there is no person attached to the sound.

 ‘Don’t be afraid, Jari, it’s alright’, the voice soothes. By the mention of that name I remember it all: the band, my friends and this playground.

 ‘Do you know now?’, the voice questions me. I nod. ‘Yes, I do. I’m Jari Salminen. This is the place where I used to live before I… before I died’, I stammer. Once again I feel dizzy and I feel myself lose my balance. But there’s a friendly breeze of wind which keeps me on my feet. A soft push in the back to keep me from falling.

 ‘Correct’, the stranger confirms.

‘But this isn’t the real playground, is it? There is no house and there are no friends’, I hold back a sob when I think about my friends and their horrified expressions after they found me.

 ‘It’s alright, Jari. You can cry. I won’t be judging you’, the voice says. And so I do. I sit back in the grass and let my tears run freely. After I’ve shed all my tears I walk over to the bulky tree. I’m surprised to only see one swing. That one’s for me then, I guess. Tired I sit on it. I look up to see the golden leaves move lazily with the wafts of the air. It calms my turmoiled mind. I miss my friends.

 ‘Are you God?’, I ask.

‘I don’t really know. I’m everything and nothing. But if you’d like to call me God, then that’s your right’, the voice answers me.

 ‘Then I’ll call you my close acquaintance’, I comment.

 

My sense of time is totally different from when I was alive. I can still see the seasons change. But I can’t really feel the coldness of the winter. Although it snows in this strange place, it isn’t cold at all.

  It actually feels soft and cool. Comfortable.

The rain in the fall doesn’t affect my health. Seems like I can’t get sick in this strange place.

Sometimes I wonder how long I’ve been here already. It must’ve been quite some time. Winter and spring have passed already. But then again, I don’t know how time here works. There is no clock or anything but the seasons to indicate the time. I sleep, I awake and experience.

I watch in silence. The acquaintance is my only company. We often talk about things. I like to recall memories from my old life. I _need_ to talk about them. Because I don’t know if I’d might forget about them if I don’t mention them.

 

**

 

‘Why am I here, anyway?’ with no real goal in mind I keep going up the slide, slide down and repeat it.

 ‘Maybe you know the answer yourself?’, the acquaintance replies. Just like always, the voice doesn’t give me the clear answers I want and need.

 ‘I’m waiting?’, I guess.

‘Probably. Who is it?’, the voice asks. I shrug my shoulders and slide off the slide.

 ‘My friends. I hope to see them again one day. Can’t I visit them?’

‘I’m afraid not. But you’ll see them. If you want it enough’, my acquaintance informs me. I stop in my tracks and shout: ‘Of course I want to see them! I wish I could tell them everything’s okay and that I’m doing fine in this… this afterlife like place!’

The voice doesn’t answer me that day. It stays quiet for the next few days to come.

 

Days have passed again but I feel a change. I feel a new presence on the playground. It is a different atmosphere than when my acquaintance. “is around”.

The new presence is still weak and light but I can clearly feel it. And the presence feels familiar.

 Could it be?

I’m standing at the shoreline of the beautiful playground. Although this looks like a perfect version of the playground, it isn’t perfect because my friends aren’t here.

When I turn around I can _see_ the change. My swing is now accompanied by another one. A feeling that resembles the skip of a heartbeat is felt in my chest. The corner of my mouth curls up into a faint smirk.

 Now I’m sure of it.

 

The same night I wake up. I feel like I’m in a dream, but I’m not. I find myself in our old house again. There have been many times where I dreamed about being here, but this time it all feels just too real.

 Perhaps a little _too_ real.

My instinct is to go to the living room but I hesitate when I’m in the hallway. What if I don’t find them there? What if they aren’t here anymore? What if they’ve moved to another house?

No, Jari, why would they? Everyone’s attached to this place. There’s no way they would’ve abandoned this house. With a frightful mind I walk through the seemingly never ending hallway. My movements seem so slow.

 The presence I felt at the playground is back.

It’s growing stronger and stronger as I near the entrance of the living room. And then I feel like there’s a switch turned in my head. It becomes clear to me. Someone here needs me. I still need to figure out why and how.

 I gather my courage and finally step into the dark room. I’m immediately used to the darkness.

 

I see them laying together. Just seeing them in person again, warms my whole soul. Five bodies lay close to each other, holding onto each other.

The sight evokes a single tear in my eye. Their bodies seem to be glowing. A soft yellowish brightness. One of them stands out. It has a more orange color. When I step closer, I see it’s Jani “aura”.

The man is awake. His breathing is unsteady and I feel worried.   

   ‘It’s okay, Jani’, I say out loud. The other musician now looks at me. From his face, I read he cannot see me clear enough so I step even closer.

I hush Jani and start to sing _Fragile_ to him. While I’m almost singing it on automatic pilot, it all comes together in my mind. I know why I’m here. And I understand why Jani’s glow is different from the others. Why his glow is “flickering”. He is dying and he knows it too.

 The bassist snivels and says he doesn’t want to lose anybody. I reassure him he won’t lose them nor me.

 I lay next to him and unconsciously take him with me to a place that isn’t the real world nor the world where I’m residing right now.

After some more soothing words I recommend my partner to sleep. Jani obeys. My arms hold him close to my body. I feel his heartbeat weaken. I wonder if Jani must’ve felt the same when I died.

 ‘See you at the other side’ I whisper to him as I press a soft kiss on his tired face.

 

I too close my eyes and when I open them again I’m back at the playground.

The new swing is still hanging next to mine. I decide to rest on those swings. Now I only have to wait for him.


	17. The world in-between pt. 2 (Jani)

Although I’m not entirely awake, I’m not really dreaming either. Maybe something in-between.

I don’t have a body apparently. There’s only my mind, my consciousness. I feel like I’m a bodiless being floating in a soundless, invisible and tasteless void. Shouldn’t I feel frightened?

 

‘How are you doing?’, do I hear a voice whisper?

I try to speak with no mouth and to my surprise I create a sound. I cough. ‘I’m doing fine. Sort of.’

 ‘Good to know. Do you remember who you are?’, the voice of the nothingness sounds curious.

‘No’, I reply. Silence. Then a name forms in my soul. I speak up again. ‘But I do remember _somebody_. Jari. He was part of a band which I don’t remember the name of. But the band was important to me somehow. _He_ was important. Jari, he was my friend. Jari was also my partner!’, as I keep rambling on I start to regain my memories of that guy. He died before me and it left me heartbroken. Then other names pop up in my mind and soon I know my own name as well.

 The invisible being seems to be able to read my mind and comments: ‘Glad to see you remember yourself and them. Could you tell me why Jari was the first one you remembered?’

 ‘He was very dear to me. Just like the others! Everyone, I loved them equally. But Jari left us too soon. I couldn’t say goodbye. He… He promised me something. He said I could see him again. And the others. Jaska, Olli, Marko, Markus. And he whispered that he would meet me on the other side!’

 After I finish my last sentence, I wonder how I remembered that. Wasn’t I gone already when he said that to me?

 ‘I see. You have a large heart, Jani. It’s full of love. Well, I won’t be bothering you anymore’, the voice says and with a snap of invisible fingers I can see my own body materialize again and then I fall out of the sky. I scream. My eyes are shut as I feel the wind rush over me. My legs tremble unsteadily and then my feet are… touching the ground?

 

There’s a sun in the sky. I’m in an endless meadow. I hear birds chirp and flowers are showing off their splendid colors. In the distance I spot a tree. I walk towards it. Something simply draws me to it.

  An unexplainable force.

When I’m close enough, the tree seems to stand on a hill. Then I see it’s not just a tree. No, it is _the_ tree. That strong and big tree from the old playground. Now I see a figure. I get excited and hopeful.

It wasn’t something but _somebody_ that drew me to this place. It was Jari.

My legs aren’t wobbly anymore and I sprint towards the playground. I feel like I’m flying. Tears of joy fill my eyes. The drummer is sitting on one of the two swings.

 ‘Jari! Jari!’, I shout.

‘Jani! It’s you! I can hardly believe it!’, Jari yells back. He stands up from his swing and we run towards each other with our arms wide open. In the middle of the playground we meet. Jari jumps into my arms and I spin him around.

We go in for a strong and heartfelt embrace. Both of us are laughing and crying. Everything is just so emotional.

 ‘Jari, oh my love’, I snivel. ‘You can finally see again!’

The smaller man nods and wipes away some tears from my cheeks. I do the same for him. My eyes are locked with his. They are shimmering and colorful once more. I hug him and hold him close.

 ‘Oh, I missed you so much’, I whisper.

‘Missed you too. I’m so glad I’m not alone here anymore’, Jari muses back. We part and I look him in the eyes. ‘You’ve been here all the time?’, I exclaim in disbelief.

The drummer replies: ‘Yes. I don’t know for how long exactly. Time is different here, somehow. It’s really nice though, yet lonely without you guys.’

 ‘But now I’m here’, I grin. My grin quickly disappears when I start to realize I left my other friends behind.

 ‘I just hope they’re doing fine’, I mumble as I let my head hang a bit.

‘I hope so too.’

There’s an awkward silence between us.

 ‘Did you see yourself lying there?’, Jari carefully breaks the silence. ‘No, did you? Could you see yourself, well eh…?’, I couldn’t finish my sentence.

 ‘Yes, I did. It was soul crushing to see you all mourning like that. I was standing there and yet I wasn’t really there. I wished I could’ve talked to you. Wished I could do something to make you feel better. Later on, when I woke up in this place, again I wished I could tell you guys there was nothing to be worried about. That I was doing fine here’, Jari explains.

 

**

 

Jari has shown me around. Not that there’s much to the playground or our surrounding. Yet, it doesn’t bother me that after some time the view becomes a bit monotone. Jari is here and that’s all what matters to me.

Together we walk through the field. We’re holding hands. It’s great to feel Jari’s hands in mine. They are no longer cold and stiff.

 ‘Were you real that night?’, I dare to ask.

Jari unconsciously squeezes my hand tighter. ‘Maybe. Now that I know some kind of afterlife exists, I believe it was real. Did you know I felt your presence here?’

 My eyes widen in surprise.

‘Here? In this place?’, I utter.

 ‘Yes. I didn’t know it was you, to be honest. But I felt that the presence was familiar. At first I couldn’t believe it but then I got another sign’, Jari gestured to the tree.

 ‘The swings?’, I try and my partner confirms.

‘When I just came here, there was only one. But after I felt the change in the air, another swing appeared. That same night I closed my eyes and “woke up” in our house. The rest, you know.’

It leaves me speechless. When we return to the swings, I mumble: ‘I wonder if more swings will appear here one day.’

 ‘Yeah, I hope so. But until then, we’ll just have to wait. Besides, we have plenty of time here, don’t we?’, Jari grins.

I chuckle. ‘Indeed. Let’s wait for them.’


	18. The world in-between pt. 3 (Olli)

I’m falling for quite a while now. Different scenes from different moments in my life flash before my eyes. It makes me dizzy and eventually I forget things.

 

The fall seems for eternity but then I reach the bottom. It looks like I’m in some kind of well. I look up and see a round sky above my head.

 ‘Hello? Anyone here?’, I shout and my voice sounds weird when it echoes through the well.

After some more shouting, my throat gets sore and I sink to the ground. Luckily for me, there’s no water in this pit.

I feel lonely. Where are the other people? _Who_ are those persons I’m missing? Am I dreaming again?

An incomprehensible exhaustion makes me fall asleep peacefully. After I’ve slept I’m disappointed to see myself still in the well. I decide to escape. I’m surprised when there are hooks sticking out of the inner walls.

Confidently I start to climb up. Hopefully to my freedom.

I’m not greeted by people but by voices and I sense the air outside the well is thick.

 

‘I told you he’d escape’, a deep voice grumbles. I shiver. The voice sounds _ancient_.

‘Of course he would. Most people do, don’t they?’, a second voice comments.

A third says: ‘That doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now, is the next decision.’

 ‘Eh, what’s going on?’, I stutter as I step back until I hit the well with my back.

‘Fright not, Olli’, the second voice soothes and I don’t dare to question why the voices know my name or how I forgot mine until now.

 

I sit down and the strange beings start to narrate my life. At the end of their, of _my_ story I weep.

‘Then there’s one question that remains, Olli’, the beings declare.

‘I’m ready’, I try to sound confident, but really I’m quite scared. I wonder if they are the real jealous gods of this world.

 

They ask me if I’d like to live again. Born anew completely. _Or_ if I would redo my life exactly the same, no changes or anything.

My answer is simple and I didn’t need to think about it.

 ‘For them, I’d do my life all over again. Exactly the same. Not one thing I’d change. For them, I’d die a hundred times if that meant I could also see them and be with them over and over again’, finally there is real confidence in my voice.

The voices chuckle. ‘Well said’, the oldest voice replies. Then they leave me alone. The thickened air disappears and I can breathe better now. Only now do I realize I don’t have a heart anymore.

 

I’m left alone in this white void. I feel hopeless. I don’t know where to go or what to do. Screaming seems meaningless here. Yet I shout, hoping the beings will appear again but they don’t.

Did I give the wrong answer after all? Did they damned me in this strange hell? I couldn’t tell.

My legs start to get restless. Then I remember something that those voices didn’t tell me. I used to walk when I felt agitated. So I start to walk.

Step for step I move forward with no goal in sight. Soon I’m totally surrounded in nothing but white space. Even the well has disappeared from my view.

That’s when I start to feel really lonely. I miss Marko. I miss Jaska. I miss Jani. I miss Jari. I miss Markus.

I wonder where Jani and Jari are. Did they have to through the same weird interrogation?

I can only imagine the pain the remaining bandmembers must feel now that I left them too. I still remember all the grieving I went through when we lost the bassist and the drummer.

 

Just when I start to lose all hope of ever finding a way out of this wicked world, I see something.

It’s like a blurry photograph in the distance.

Without hesitation I start to rush to the colored part of this world. If I still had a heart, it would be beating very fast now.

A hopeful tune starts to play. I run and run. Once more, I see some fragments of my past flash through my mind.

The picture in the distance is becoming closer and closer. It’s also becoming clearer. Then I hear Jari and Jani’s voices. They are chattering and laughing. There’s no doubt about it. They are there.

 

Finally I make it to the place which is no longer in the distance.

But the picture seems to be closing. It’s like a tear in this void. My legs carry me over to the tear and then I take the leap of faith.

I feel the change of air when I make it through the “gate”. Four arms and hands are felt against me as my body is finally in the new world.

Jani and Jari caught my fall.

 ‘Look who it is!’, Jani cheers. Jari laughs and I for the first time after a very long time, I smile too.

‘This is unbelievable’, I sigh as I have to catch my breath. Jari pats me on the back.

 ‘Now you’ve successfully made it to the playground too’, the drummer states. When he mentions the word, I start to take in my surroundings. Once again I’m flabbergasted.

 ‘I- Is this like… the afterlife?’, I want to know.

‘Sort of, I guess. We don’t know exactly either’, Jani confesses. I can’t help myself but to smooch both men on their cheeks.

 ‘Let’s sit on the good old swings like we used to’, Jari proposes and so we do. It feels strange to see only three swings here.

 I can only assume there might emerge new ones if someone else passes away. The thought of it makes me both hopeful and sad at the same time.

 ‘Don’t worry. We feel the same conflict’, Jani reassures me. It doesn’t come to me as a surprise that Jani knows what I’m thinking.

 ‘Oh, okay. Good to know’, I say in a low tone.

 

**

 

Just like Jari said, time works differently here. It’s mostly the seasons that alter here. The rest remains pretty static.

But one day, something _changes_.

I’m sitting in the old treehouse. I’m playing on the guitar I found there. I’m lazily lolling along my music when the sound of the keyboard for kids makes an awful noise. I get startled when I see two black keys break and detach. I quickly look around to see if I can find a cause. I find nothing.

 I decide to discuss my findings with the other two musicians who are sitting on the seesaw.

 

‘Strange. Could it be a sign?’, Jari wonders. Jani scratches his hair and mumbles something. We look up to the sky. It’s bright like ever. Then I feel the earth beneath my feet stir.

 ‘An earthquake?’, I panic.

‘Never experienced that here before’, Jani remarks as he and Jari jump off the seesaw. The rattling stops suddenly.

In the distance we spot a figure approaching. When he’s a few feet from us away we see it’s Markus.

He looks afraid and confused. A faint smile appears when he recognizes us.

But Kapu’s appearance is strange. He looks like a shadow. It’s like he’s flickering on and off. Is he stuck between worlds? I try to reach out for him.


	19. The world in-between pt. 4 (Markus)

My soul gets detached from my body. It’s a strange experience you can’t really feel.

While I watch my damaged body being placed in the ambulance, I feel myself getting dragged away by some sort of force. I scream. I can’t leave this world. It’s too early for that. I don’t want to leave Marko and Jaska. I simply can’t.

 

Yet here I am, in a strange place. An empty space with white walls and a white floor. The world around me isn’t spinning and everything feels so calm.

I hardly dare to breathe, afraid I might affect the pure surrounding in a negative way. Although I don’t know this place, I start to notice some footprints. On the white walls I see fingerprints. When I sniff, there’s a familiar scent. After some pondering, I deem it to be Olli’s. A lump of pain forms in my throat.

He has been here. He has walked through the same halls like me then.

 Somehow that gives me hope.

I reach my end and see a colorful painting in the distance. Upon closer inspection, I see it’s a different world. A world with some of my friends in it.

No second thought’s needed to convince me to enter the “painting”. When I do, I sort of glitch. I see my body disappearing for a split sec and then I’m back in this strange dream like world.

The more I approach _them_ , the more I start to switch between appearing and disappearing. The others seem to notice it too.

Olli is the first one to greet me and he reaches for my hand. I want to desperately take his hand into mine but it isn’t possible. My body keeps materializing and dematerializing. I’m afraid. There’s some fear in his heavenly blue eyes too.

 ‘Apparently, it’s not your time yet, his lips move but I can’t hear him anymore. There’s thunder in my ears.

 

With a gasp I awake in a hospital bed. Jaska and Marko are in the same room as me.

It was indeed, not my time yet.

 

**

 

The world around me has dissolved into nothingness once more. I recognize this place.

So I’m really dead now. It is bizarre.

Once again I walk through a blank, almost invisible hallway. There’s no swishing sound in my ears anymore. The disturbing symphonies are no more, nor the wondrous symphonies.

 ‘Markus’, I dare to speak up and I can finally hear myself talk again.

I laugh. How silly. I start to move again. I hope that I find the “painting” of the playground again. The last time I’ve been here, I got desperate. But then I found the light, the playground and my friends.

 ‘Let’s hope it’s the same thing over again’, I encourage myself.

 

There’s nothing in sight.

My back hits one of the walls and I close my tired eyes.

 ‘Markuuus’, I hear Olli’s voice reaching out for me. The presence of him makes me open my eyes.

Of course, there is no guitarist in this place.

 ‘Markus!’, Jani’s cheerful voice is heard on my left.

‘Hey, Captain, are you coming or not?’, Jari’s voice now fills the space.

 ‘I’m here’, I answer them. The three voices keep shouting my name so I can follow their sounds.

It’s almost like music to my ears as I drag myself through countless hallways until I reach them.

 A wooden door materializes in front of me. Without hesitating, I turn the knob and enter.

 Jari, Jani and Olli stand in front of me. They are smiling. I am smiling.

The blond guitarist sticks out his hand and I take it. No glitches happen this time around.

 ‘You made it to the other side’, Olli remarks as he tightens our grip. I say nothing.

‘Can you actually hear me?’, the man asks. A grin appears on my face and Jani now pats me on my shoulder. ‘Great to _hear_.’

 I roll my eyes.

‘Oh, here is your keyboard again’, Jari hands me over the small toy keyboard. I chuckle. It’s been a long time since I actually played on this bauble. It’s good to see it again, nonetheless.

‘Hey! The keyboard, it’s whole again’, Olli now remarks. I stare at the keyboard. ‘What happened to it then?’

 The smaller man frowns his head and explains: ‘It got broken that day. When you came to our world for the first time.’

 ‘There was an earthquake too. Not this time, though’, Jani adds.

‘So it was some kind of sign?’, I assume. The three men nod simultaneously. ‘Yep, and now your swing is really added to the tree’, Jari points out.

 

‘May I ask you something?’, the drummer stares at his feet while he’s on his swing.

 ‘Of course. What’s on your mind?’

‘How are the others doing? It’s been so long already.’ My face saddens as I think back.

‘There’s no reason for me to lie to you, but the truth isn’t very happy. It’s not going great with Marko or Jaska. In fact, you’re never the same person after a beloved one passes away’, I start.

 'Can’t blame you for dying, of course. But well, it’s just really hits you when you see different persons you love so much, leave this world. One after another. Jaska, he’s…’, I can’t finish my sentence.

 ‘You don’t have to tell’, Jari mutters.

‘Everything has become very quiet after my accident. No pun intended. Even Jaska and Marko didn’t talk much to each other. Marko tries to busy himself with knitting or writing down lyrics for songs that won’t be made. Jaska didn’t want to talk anymore. He couldn’t look me in the eyes anymore. He must’ve felt powerless too’, I decide to end my story there.

 ‘I just hope they don’t kill themselves’, Jani wipes away some tears. I walk over to him to embrace him.

 ‘And what if? Will they end up here? Or will they just disappear?’, Olli hardly says it out loud.

None of us know the answer of that.

 I guess I’ll just have to wait for Marko and Jaska. Just like the others have been waiting for me to rejoin them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops that got a little more depressive than the other chapters of this arc :S


	20. The world in-between pt. 5 END (Jaska)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter

Every death. It changes us every time. Each time, I feel and see how we become more and more of a shadow of who we used to be. I’m afraid I’ve lost myself already. Marko and I don’t talk as much. We don’t laugh as much. We hardly dare to whisper the names of our lovers. It’s like opening a freshly healed scar.

When I regain my consciousness, my whole body trembles. I wonder why that is. Something tells me I’m not in the world of the living anymore. I’m left in this darkness. Confusion rules my mind.

It takes some time before I’m used to the dark area. Apparently I’m in a large room with no windows whatsoever. When I try to unlock the door, it won’t budge. I try to knock and push but the door won’t open. It leaves me frustrated.

I search the room for an object I could use but there’s nothing but a mirror standing in one of the corners of the room. I’m not sure if I want to see myself in it.

Who knows what I look like? Maybe I’m some kind of monster? I don’t even glare at my own body.

Eventually I decide to risk it and take a look.

 

A tall man faces me. He has dark brown, messy hair, a scruffy beard and his light eyes stare deeply into mine. They keep me pinned to the floor. Besides all the trembling, I don’t move. I gulp.

The strange man keeps looking at me, not saying a word. Is this really me?

Is this how I look like? I barely recognize myself.

Didn’t I used to look exhausted? Tired of life and everything? This mirror image looks much better than I remember myself.

My hand reaches up and wants to touch the reflection. The stranger does the same. When our fingertips touch, I hear glass shattering and the man disappears.

Behind the broken mirror lays a hidden chamber. I step inside and find myself in a gigantic mirror room.

 I see myself hundreds of times reflected on the glass. It frightens me.

Some me’s have blackened eyes and wicked grins. Other reflections just look done. They look tired with dark bags under their eyes and a sad mouth.

Several men appear almost normal and healthy. Their hair isn’t that messy and they actually _smile_.

Gosh, how long has it been since I really smiled?

 

Then all of them open their mouths and speak in a monotone choir.

 ‘Who do you think you’re looking at?’

‘I-, I, myself? I’m looking at my reflections, don’t I?’, I stammer bewildered. Some of them snicker, other grunt and giggle. They intimidate me. Who could’ve thought your own reflection could intimidate you that much? Not me.

 ‘Correct. But who are you really?’, the reflections chant and cackle. I want to speak up but then I come to the conclusion that I don’t know exactly.

 ‘Let’s start with your name. What’s your name?’, their voice sounds annoyed.

I swallow and stutter: ‘I, I’m afraid I forgot.’

‘Then look into my eyes again and tell me what’s your name?!’, the mirrors scream at me. I’m forced to get near one of the mirrors. I press my fists against the glass and start to stare deep into my own eyes. It’s intense.

 A name starts to ring in the back of my head.  _Jaska Mäkinen_.

‘Jaska Mäkinen’, I finally declare. ‘Are you sure, boy?’, some Jaska’s giggle. ‘You sure?!’, they raise their voices.

 ‘Yes I am sure! I am Jaska! Now stop screaming at me!’, I yell while holding covering my ears with my hands.

Then all mirrors shatter and I’m left in the mess. Glass splinters cover the whole room.

 ‘Well done, Jaska’, a voice that isn’t my own fills the place. I look through the empty frames but see no one.

 ‘Whoever you are, were you the one behind it? If so, show yourself and stop playing tricks on me!’, I snort agitated.

 The odd voice chuckles. ‘You were talking to yourself, didn’t you notice? Anyway, part of it was me. Yes, I’ll admit it. You’ve passed your identity test.’

 ‘My identity test?’, I asked baffled, still not understanding all the randomness.

‘Yes. Now it’s time to face your final “test”, Jaska Mäkinen’, the voice announces amused. I don’t know where to look, but I stare at the corner of the ceiling. ‘Whatever it is, I’m ready!’

 ‘Hehe, so confident’, the invisible person cackles. ‘First I’ll let you in on a little secret. After that, you’ll tell me if you don’t regret your life!’

The broken mirror pieces start to float midair and reform again. The world around me starts to spin and I notice events happening in the mirrors. It’s like I’m seeing several scenes all at once. Yet, I don’t feel nauseous.

 I witness fragments of my past.

 

‘Well? Do you regret your life? Will you pay for your sins?’

I close my eyes and try to think of a correct answer. This being, this god or whatever it’s called, isn’t messing around and it sounds dead serious to me.

But the corners of my mouth raise into a grin and then it’s me who is laughing.

That’s right. I laugh right in the being’s non-existent face.

 ‘Yes, I have many regrets and yes, I’ve made many wrong choices. I’ve been foolish at times. Sometimes I wish I could undo them, but I know I can’t and never will. But these “regrets” and “sins” are just trivial, stupid things. I don’t think they had a big impact on anything or anyone but me. Only I felt their consequences. No one else got hurt in the process.

  My best choice must’ve been joining Marko and his friends! They’ve changed me so much. I became a better man. They inspired me to. And what I think now? What I feel now?

Oh, I wish I could see Marko one more time. I wish I could tell him I’m so sorry for leaving him early. I owe that guy so much! And now I’ve hurt him deeply beyond repair, I’m afraid. Damaging him like that must be my biggest regret and sin. I wish to see him one more time so I can say sorry. And if it isn’t too much, I want to see the others as well. After that, you can throw me in hell for all I care!’

 I have to catch my breath after all my rambling.

 ‘ _Ah_ , I see’, the being replies. ‘Maybe I could arrange something.’ Then a darkness swallows me and I sink into a dreamless slumber.

 

**

 

By the time I’m back to my senses, I notice my body doesn’t exist anymore. It’s like I’m floating around in space with only my consciousness. I’m “flying” over a place that I used to call home.

The first thing that gets my attention is Marko. He rolls himself outside. I lower myself so I can see his face. He looks worn-out. He has become so old in the last few years. I can’t blame him though. With every death, a part of us got ripped apart.

With much effort he now rolls himself towards the swings. Midway, the wheelchair stops. I’m surprised to see the retired singer _step out_ of his wheelchair and actually _drag_ himself to the swings until he sits on one of them. How is it possible, I wonder.

Marko starts to sway up and down. I’m afraid he might fall. Finally I find my voice and talk to him.

 ‘Oh, god, Marko. Look at you! I, I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s a bit too late to say sorry’, I blubber. But he doesn’t seem to hear me. I try again. Then Marko reaches out for me with a hand. Can he see me, I think in surprise.

When the man suddenly _jumps_ off the seat, I yell. And without realizing it, my body materializes through the leaves and I’m able to catch my friend so he won’t fall. Tears fill the man’s eyes.

 My arms embrace Marko and I smile at him.

The singer has sprouted wings made of autumn leaves and he looks so angelic and majestic. He suddenly looks so young.

 It makes me wanna cry, but I must resist. For Marko. For him, I must stay strong this time.

He begs me to take him with me to my “world”. With pain in my chest, I have to decline. Marko asks me when it’s his time.

 ‘You will know, Marko. You’re a strong man. You can do this’, I say silently. I press a goodbye kiss on his head. Then I feel like I’m fading again.

 

**

 

A friendly breeze warms my face but I don’t want to open my eyes. I’m afraid.

‘Jaska’, it is Markus’ voice. I can’t believe it. I don’t dare to believe it. It can’t be.

‘Jaska, please, open your eyes’, Markus’ voice is heard again and I hold back a sob. Then his voice is accompanied by another familiar one.

 ‘Don’t be afraid. _We_ ’re real. _You_ are real.’

‘Olli’, I muse, still not opening my eyes. I want this illusion to last.

 ‘This is not a dream, Jaska. It’s not an illusion. Please, open your eyes’, Jari whispers.

I sit up and look around me. They are all here. Jari, Jani, Olli and Markus. They seem to be alive and well.

Markus has his hearing back. Jari can see again. It moves me.

 ‘You are indeed real. Still, I can hardly believe it’, I’m not afraid to cry in front of them.

‘The trip to the playground must’ve been hard’, Jani hushes me and gently rubs my back. I nod.

 ‘Yeah, it was. I’ve been through tests and I’ve seen Marko. Although I think that was just an illusion’, I manage to say.

It makes the others look surprised.

 ‘Y- you’ve seen him? How is he doing?!’, Jani wants to know eagerly. ‘He is getting older. But somehow he managed to walk. And he sat on the swing. He jumped and I caught him. He wanted to go with me. But of course, he couldn’t’, I answer with shaky breaths.

 It gets silent.

 

‘You know, whenever someone is going to leave the world of the living, a swing is added. So that’s how we know when someone comes to this place. Well, if everything goes well of course’, Jani explains.

 ‘From what I’m seeing, there are only five swings now’, I remark.

The others nod. ‘We’re almost complete’, Olli manages a smile.

 ‘Yes, let’s hope Marko will join us soon so he won’t have to be alone anymore’, Jani adds.

I look nervously at my feet and mumble: ‘When he does, I don’t know if I can face him. I’m even surprised I can look you in the eyes.’

 ‘Why’s that?’, Kapu wants an explanation.

‘I-, I was a coward. I couldn’t deal with all the feels and emotions so I… I took my own life. Let’s say there was an overdose of alcohol in my system just before I died.’

 My eyes are locked with the ground so I don’t have to face my friends. They don’t know how to react.

Kapu finally dares to speak up: ‘You said you’ve been through some tests? Doesn’t that mean the beings deemed you worthy enough to go here?’

 ‘It said so. The voice said it could arrange something. So, probably. Still, I can’t believe I’m on the playground with you guys again.’

 ‘For us, you’re worthy enough to be here. I’ve forgiven you and I’m pretty sure Marko will forgive you too when he gets here’, Jari encourages me.

 ‘Let’s hope so’, I reply. Then we all give each other a warm hug.

 

**

 

The final swing is added to the tree. We are rejoiced and a little scared at the same time.

The four other bandmembers and I sit on our swings, silently waiting and hoping. We wonder when, where and how Marko arrives at this place.

 I get startled by a firm breeze and then a voice. It’s the voice of the “Acquaintance”.

‘What are you guys waiting for? Get your lazy asses off those swings and go to him! Don’t you think you should pay your dearest friend a visit? But first, let’s see who jumps the furthest!’

 We look at one another and start to sway up and down. When we gathered enough strength and speed we all jump simultaneously from our seats.

 For a few seconds I look at my friends. We are flying. We are really flying.

The next moment we’re standing in the old hallway. Kapu goes first. Jari, Jani and Olli behind. I follow.

My body feels tense. Every step I take feels heavy. We near the room of the singer.

 We hold still at the closed door. The other four musicians whisper and discuss. Then the drummer faces me and says: ‘You can go first.’ With a nod I open the door. My hands are trembling.

As expected, the man is laying in his bed.

His face is very pale. Almost gray. To seem him like that, hurts me. We all just stand in the door opening, watching. Waiting.

Then Marko seems to transform. His skin no longer a sick and dead color. He looks like his younger self again. Just like we have regained our younger form.

 ‘Marko’, we chant his name like it’s a song. We repeat his name several times until he “wakes up”.

He is confused and asks who he is. Kapu tells him.

 ‘I’m Marko’, the singer repeats. In his eyes, you can see the change, the realization and revelation.

A smile forms on the man’s face as he calls out to us. I decide to step forwards.

 I still remember what I said to him in that dream.

‘It’s finally time’, I actually manage to say it without stammering and stuttering.

 

**

 

When we get back to the playground of the afterlife, I want to face my truth. Marko understands.

The others leave us alone so we have some time to reflect.

 ‘Marko, I don’t know where to begin. First of all, I’m so glad to have you back. To know we’re reunited again’, I start the conversation.

 ‘Same goes for me, Jaska. And please, don’t be sorry. You don’t have to apologize for anything’, Marko hugs me tight and I love it. I really missed those hugs.

 ‘But I am sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I shouldn’t have taken my own life. It was cowardice and foolish of me. I owed you so much and suicide is how I repaid you? No, I regretted it so much. But when I came to realize that, I was already too late’, I sob against Marko’s shoulder while the man soothingly rubs circles on my back.

 ‘It’s okay, Jaska. Everyone has a way of dealing with loss and problems’, the singer hushes.

‘That’s not dealing with them. That’s avoiding them. Running away from it’, I retort. ‘You know it too, don’t you?’

 Marko remains silent because he _knows_ it’s the truth.

‘But that lays in the past now. You showed your remorse and your regrets. I can forgive you for that. And apparently the beings or gods too. Markus told me about the tests.’

 I mumble something.

‘Did you hear me? I forgive you, Jaska. I’m not mad at you. I simply can’t. Please, don’t cry. We’re together now. All of us’, Marko wipes away some unforeseen tears off my face. I kiss him on his forehead. He is right. Marko is always right.

 

We’re standing at the shoreline of the playground. We look out over the endless blue mirror.

We’ve put our hands on each other’s shoulders to support each other.

 ‘Finally we are together again’, I exclaim. The others laugh and smile.

‘Yes, we’ve been through a lot, but in the end we are reunited’, Kapu declares.

 ‘As it should be’, Olli adds.

‘Hopefully it stays like this forever now’, Jani sighs.

 ‘It will’, Jari replies with confidence in his voice.

‘How are you so sure?’, Jani wants to know.

 ‘I can feel it. Our love is strong enough to surpass the world of the living. There’s a reason we’re at this place. Our bond’s too strong to break. And that’s a good thing’, he hums.

 ‘Well, you know what?’ Marko says mysteriously. We all look at the singer.

‘Maybe now is the right moment to marry each other?’, he grins.

That’s true. We never married. Society wasn’t ready for that,  I suppose. But here? Here are no constraints from society.

Here is just us. Marko, Markus, Jani, Jari, Olli and me. Ah, and the playground of course. The playground and us.

 

 _This is the playground where everything_ is _possible._

 


End file.
